We all need a little guidance now and then, so whether you’re stressed about a fling gone wrong, a recently wrecked relationship or how to handle a stage-five clinger, Real Live College Guy Dale is here to help you navigate the college dating scene.
I went out on a couple of dates with this guy in August and we really hit it off, but I always felt I was the one taking the initiative to see him. He would still text me all of the time and say he wanted to see me again. When I went back to school at the end of August, he said he would come visit me but never really followed through. He came up this past weekend and never asked to see me, even though he claimed he wanted to "really bad." He then texted me Sunday morning explaining himself. He's a really shy guy, but what does this mean? – Not Sure at UNH
Not Sure,
There’s a difference between being “shy”and being “a jerk.”
There’s also no easy way to say this: I don’t think he’s as interested in you as you are in him. I say this because I’ve seen this kind of situation go down before: A girl (“Girl”) and a guy (“Guy”) go out on a date. Girl thinks she and Guy are hitting it off, and they end the night with promises to see each other again. However, Guy didn’t get the same vibe from the date as Girl did, but Guy doesn’t want to be the mean person and let Girl down. Guy stalls, week after week, telling Girl that he’d love to see her again when he actually has no intention of seeing her again. Ever.
In order to save face and not hurt anyone’s feelings, Guy lies to Girl. In this way, Guy has become the very thing he hoped to avoid: the bad guy. He had good(ish) intentions, but they were clouded by misjudgment.
The best policy, however much it may hurt at first, is honesty.
I’ve lied before. I’ve told people that I’d love to go out again when in fact I had no interest in seeing them ever again. We guys do it to save face because we don’t want to be the bad guy. Obviously you’re feeling something, but whatever it is, it just isn’t reciprocal. We’re not trying to hurt your feelings, but inevitably, that’s exactly what all of our excuses do.
He’s just not that into you, and he doesn’t know how to let you down. It’s an elementary thought process, but I believe that he thinks the longer he puts off seeing you, the less interested you’ll be and less you’ll care (at least that was my thought process with these events). He’s hoping you’ll take on the “bad guy” role by dumping him, moving on before there’s any real confrontation.
He’s a jerk nonetheless, but that’s what seems to be happening. Your best bet now is to say, “Hey, I think we hit it off, but I’d rather go out with someone who’s going to make an effort to see me.” You should be with someone who wants to see you and will take that initiative, not someone who continues to hand out excuse after excuse.