Do you ever read your monthly horoscope and wonder how exactly it’s supposed to pertain to your life? It’s highly doubtful that the alignment of the stars signifies that you should “plan a brunch with friends,” and you’re more than a little skeptical when your horoscope tells you that you’re going to meet a handsome stranger and fall madly in love with him for the third month in a row. So we put together horoscopes that could realistically pertain to collegiettes – finally something that holds some truth!
December 23 – January 20
After a month of penny-pinching and Lean Cuisines, you’re stoked when you finally get your monthly paycheck. But beware: you may be a little overzealous, and by the fifth of the month, your paycheck will be gone! Online shopping got the best of you yet again. Saturday is the perfect time to stock up on ramen noodles and cheap granola bars for the long, tight-budgeted month ahead of you.
Don’t worry about your tight budget when it comes to going out – when the weekend rolls around, you’ll be as charming as ever. Getting guys at the bars to buy you drinks will be a piece of cake! Take advantage of this serious confidence boost and be a little flirtier than normal when you and your friends hit the town.
January 21 – February 19
You’ve been feeling a little tired lately – tired of school, tired of homework, tired of dining hall food and just tired in general because you’ve pulled two all-nighters in the past week and you can’t sleep with your roommate’s constant snoring. Have no fear, because in the middle of the month your workload will seriously decrease and you’ll have plenty of time to take mid-afternoon naps and get to bed at a decent hour. Be cautious, however, because your newfound free time may not be as productive as you hoped. Netflix will be your downfall – this is NOT the best time to finally start watching Breaking Bad!
Your love life is just as tired as your school life, and you’re beginning to notice it. It’s time to kick your hook-up buddy to the curb and find a guy who doesn’t text you only past midnight on Friday nights. Despite your sleep deprivation, you’re looking better than ever this month – time to go out and meet a new guy!
February 20 – March 20
Tensions are high this month with someone you consider to be a close friend – it could be your roommate, it could be your best friend or it could be the girl down the hall. Either way, she’s totally getting on your nerves, and you don’t know why! When you live so close to your BFFs, you’re bound to get annoyed with them every once in a while. Lay low and take some time for yourself. Confronting them too soon could lead to an unnecessary blowout.
Love is in the air for you this month, and on the 12th you’ll meet a mysterious stranger who’s tall, dark and handsome. Unfortunately, this turns out to be just another case of beer goggles. Yes, he’s a stranger, and yes, he’s tall, but the dim lighting at the party may lead you to believe that he’s a little more dark and handsome than he really is…
March 21 – April 20
You may be feeling a little uneasy this morning thinking about all the things you have to get done today, but don’t worry—you’re not stressed out, you’re just hungover! Pop a few Advil, chug a bottle of water and go to your first three classes wearing a pair of really dark sunglasses. You’ll be feeling better in no time.
Your love life has been anything but active lately, and you should expect that to continue through the month. You’re going through a serious dating dry spell, but these things happen! The 10th is a good time to watch The Notebook and eat an entire tub of cookie-dough ice cream in one sitting.
April 21 – May 21
This month you’re going to gain some serious fitness motivation – it’s finally time to shed the freshman 15 and get that pre-college body back! Unfortunately, this motivation won’t last very long, and by the 9th you’ll be skipping the gym for froyo runs and Netflix binges. Your bikini body can wait until next month, right?
When the stars align with Jupiter on the 8th, guess what: you’ll still be single. The guys at school aren’t cutting it for you anymore, and the ones who ARE all seem to have girlfriends. Can you ever catch a break? Looks like you’re stuck subtly flirting with the taken guy in your bio class. If he and his girlfriend ever break up, you totally have first dibs.
May 22 – June 21
They say there’s no place like home, and that seems to be true, because you are SO homesick this month. Dorm food isn’t cutting it for you anymore – you just want some of your mom’s home-cooked dinners! Friday is the perfect time to have a Skype date with your mother dearest. Just make sure she brings your dog, too!
On the 22nd you’ll meet the guy of your dreams. He’s funny, charming and cute, and he loves New Girl just as much as you do! What more could you ask for? Unfortunately, he turns out to be a real jerk despite the high hopes you had. He hooks up with you a few times, takes you on a few dates and then never texts you back. What gives? You may see him in the dining hall a few times, and he WILL pretend he doesn’t know you.
June 22 – July 23
You’ve had a stressful few weeks and you need to unwind, so naturally, you turn to a bottle of really cheap vino. Six-dollar red wine is good for the soul! Look out, though, because the next day you’ll wake up with a TERRIBLE wine hangover and have to spend the entire day in bed despite the plans you had to finally do your 20 loads of laundry.
Maybe your love life isn’t going too well, but your friends’ love lives sure are! You may find yourself being the only single friend this month, which isn’t really helping your social life. Plan on countless nights of third wheeling and lots of listening to stories about how great your friend’s new boyfriend is. You might be breaking out the red wine more than you had originally anticipated…
July 24 – August 23
Things are not going your way this month, Leo, and you are fed up. Whether it’s setting off the fire alarm in your dorm after overcooking a bag of popcorn or tripping on the stairs in the middle of the student center, you seem to be cursed with a serious case of bad luck. Don’t worry, because your bad luck is bound to run out eventually… right?
You’ve been thinking about the past a lot lately, and that’s making you nostalgic about your ex. Don’t get too caught up in the reminiscing, though, because contacting him will only bring you a world of trouble. It’s time to stop obsessing over your ex! Of course, you will fail to listen to this advice and drunk text him sometime in the near future.
August 24 – September 23
You have an A- on your last paper, great friends that you love, a rockin’ apartment that’s decorated to perfection and a cute guy on your arm – could ANYTHING go wrong? You’re flying high on life right now, Virgo, and nothing can bring you down! Unfortunately, your friends who are swamped with huge exams and relationship woes may not be too receptive to your newfound zest for life. Try to tone down the flaunting whenever you’re around them.
You and your boyfriend are TOO CUTE, and everyone knows it. The only problem is that you’re PDAing all over social media, and everyone’s getting extra annoyed with your overbearing lovey-dovey ways. Maybe it’s time to tone it down? Save the photo collages for his birthday.
September 24 – October 23
Can’t seem to find any study motivation this month? Don’t worry, because on the 11th, you’ll be inspired to hit the books and spend a few extra hours in the library. It probably has something to do with the fact that you have a make-or-break midterm coming up, but hey, take any motivation you can get!
On the 3rd a new guy will enter your life, and you’ll fall madly in love with him. The only problem is, your feelings are more or less one-sided. In fact, he’ll probably ask you for your best friend’s phone number and call you “dude” way more than necessary. Welcome to the friend zone.
October 24 – November 22
On the 13th you’re going to post a selfie to Instagram that surprisingly gets a lot of likes. Score! It’s just the confidence boost you need to amp up your self-esteem during a time when sweatpants are your go-to outfit every day.
With this newfound confidence, you’re ready to hunt down some cute guys. In fact, the cutie you’ve been crushing on for the past few weeks totally liked your picture. Could this be the start of true love? The first Saturday of the month will be a lucky day for you. You might just happen to run into him at this weekend’s big rager.
November 23 – December 22
When the Earth aligns with Mars on the 15th, you won’t even notice because you’ll be too busy being a total boss at your internship. That’s right, this month you’re going to be a serious powerhouse at your job and everyone will take notice. Bask in the glory of a job well done and own it!
Since you’ve been so dedicated to your internship, your love life is definitely suffering. All that’s on your mind is work, work, work – no time for a boyfriend! Be on the lookout on the 7th, however, because a cute new intern may be joining the team, and you’ll totally be into him. It’s really too bad that he has a serious girlfriend, leaving you to ogle over him at work while knowing he’s just not an option. It might be hard to not break out in a chorus of, “Hey, hey, you, you, I don’t like your girlfriend” a la Avril Lavigne.
Saying we’ll meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger this weekend isn’t going to cut it for us anymore, horoscopes! We think these predictions are a little more realistic, or at least a lot more relevant to our real lives.