They dance, they break stuff and they even cry. No, we aren't adding to our list of the 16 types of drunk girls; we're talking the 16 types of drunk guys. Every drunk girl needs a male partner in crime who's just as drunk as she is.
1. The “Talk Sh*t, Get Hit” Guy
He is the guy who will fight about anything... literally anything. He’ll even get pissed about whose mom makes the best lasagna. Apparently whiskey makes him extremely protective of his mother’s cooking skills. He chants stuff like, “What, son? You wanna go? You talkin’ sh*t? You wanna get hit?” and he even pecks his head at you like a rooster for effect.
2. The Hulk Hogan
This kid is always cracking coffee tables in half and punching holes in walls. No one ever wants to invite him to parties, because after his seventh beer, he starts crushing the cans on his head and ripping posters and shelves off the wall. But his destructive habits don't stop at furniture and walls. Generally speaking, this is also (usually) the guy who rips his shirt off to prove his point. Note to all the Hulk Hogans out there: ripping a cotton-and-polyester-blend T-shirt in half does not make you look strong. Or intimidating.
3. Mr. Get Drunk or Die Trying
Everything sounds like a good idea to this kid. He’s the one who has to tailgate in a wheelchair because he thought it was a brilliant idea to do skateboard tricks off the roof after he finished an entire handle of Captain Morgan. Before that night, he had never picked up a skateboard or jumped off a roof in his life, so it was only logical to do both at the same time. Talk about killing two birds with one stone.
4. The McLovin’
You almost want to cry watching this poor kid trying to be a “bro” with all the guys at the bar. He drinks a few beers and gets extra friendly, throwing up weird gang signs and making secret handshakes and nicknames with everyone around him. It’s like he doesn’t know any better, so you just have to feel bad for him and let him do his thing.
5. The Jersey Shore Cast Member
These ones can be spotted from a mile away - just look for bedazzled Affliction shirts and stud earrings from Claire’s. They wear crazy AXE scented hair gel and drink fruity liquor and cocktails with names like “Pink Stripper” and “Naughty Hawaiian.” Well, after six Pink Strippers, these guys become concerning. They start dancing like they're in an intense game of Dance Dance Revolution, stomping their feet and pumping their fists.
6. The Sweetheart
This is the drunk guy every girl wants to marry. Once he has a few drinks, his cheeks get flushed and he gets all giggly, like he's at a second-grade sleepover. He may not have the best game, but even when he's trying to take you home, he's adorable and polite. How can you hate this guy?
7. The Heartbreak Kid
To this guy, the only logical place to talk about getting his heart broken is in public after five tequila shots. You always know it’s coming because his lip quivers, his nostrils flare and he starts to get that Kim-Kardashian-crying face. Oh, Jesus. Please, not here. Not now.
8. The Turtle
This is the super-friendly guy in your apartment building who helps you with your stats homework and comes over to pull forks out of your garbage disposal. He seems so shy and reserved, but when you invite him out to the bars, he comes right out of his little shell. You quickly learn that he likes to drink his vodka with Red Bull and he turns into a rabid, hyper toddler jumping around the bar afterwards. He does crazy dance moves, sweats and talks really fast. You eventually come to endearingly name his dance moves, “Somebody Go See if He’s Okay.”
9. The One Who's Fluent in Gibberish
This kid needs his own version of Rosetta Stone. After one too many, he finds no need for subject-verb agreement or words with vowels. This guy is extra entertaining when he tries to hit on girls. It’s like a really bad game of word charades, trying to guess what's coming out of his mouth. Did he just say "Hermès"... or "herpes"? At this point, this conversation could go one way or the other...
10. The Womanizer
A little liquid courage has this guy thinking he’s got the game of Ryan Gosling. What he thinks is coming out as sexy and seductive really just sounds like a line from a really bad porn movie. He doesn’t waste any time being flirty because he's willing to take anything with a pulse back to his place. What’s even worse is that he’s also the guy who keeps a tally of the girls he sleeps with after drunken bar crawls folded up in his wallet, ready to be marked again each week. He'll get extra excited when his list hits number 69, because the coincidence is just too good.
11. The One Who Can’t be Fazed
To this kid, the only thing that signifies a bad night of drinking is death. And until that happens, every night is a good night for him. He could total his car, break his back, punch his best friend and end up in jail and it would still be one hell of a night to him. He is a pro at finding the silver lining in every bad drinking situation, and you're always guaranteed to be entertained when he's around.
12. The Buy-Another-Round-er
When this guy gets drunk, he turns into Gatsby. He buys the entire bar shots of Patron on his mom’s credit card and makes elaborate toasts to people’s bad test grades and dead cats. What’s sad is that everyone knows this kid is going to regret his open bar tab, but no one stops him because they aren’t going to turn down free booze. Hey, he’s the one offering! We’re not the ones who are going to have our parents taking out a second mortgage to pay off the tab, so keep 'em comin!
13. The Creepy Dude
His eyes are drunkenly glazed over and he begins to talk in a slow, deep, Ron Burgundy voice. He sways his head and raises his eyebrows when he talks, but it’s not really working for him. You can’t really tell if he is winking at you or if he has the spins and is closing one eye to keep himself standing. Either way, he looks like a total creep.
14. The Broaster
Or, “the bro-boaster,” who has no shame in bragging about himself. He’s convinced that he is the biggest and baddest bro at the party because he can drink enough vodka to tranquilize a horse. Last time we checked, that’s not a special skill you can put on a resume. So congratulations on the destroyed liver, bro!
15. The "I Love You" Man
This is the best guy to run into at the bar when you're having a bad day. He loves life more and more after each drink he has, and he's going to let everyone know. He doesn't even know you, but he loves you anyway. He doesn't care if you failed your exam, got fired from your job or cheated on your boyfriend; he's drunk and he loves you. And you. And you. And everyone else in the bar.
16. The Booty Caller
This guy maintains a steady state of drunkeness throughout the night and just hangs with the guys. He doesn’t worry about laying out his game on any girls because he already has a full lineup in his iPhone contacts for the 2 a.m. booty call show. If Amy doesn’t answer, he moves down the B's and calls Becca. But if she doesn’t answer, he doesn’t worry. He still has 24 letters left in the alphabet!
