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My Boyfriend Has a Daughter Who's Not Mine

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To most people I seem like an ordinary college student, but if you saw me at home you would probably think something totally different. I’ve got a secret, one that I’ve hidden pretty well from people at school. My boyfriend has a three-year-old daughter, which makes me a step-mom-to-be. So yeah, at 20-years-old, I’m learning how to be a step-mom.

My plan for life definitely did not include this. For most people I don’t think that life necessarily goes according to plan though. So, how did I, a seemingly normal girl end up as an almost-step-parent while in college? The short story is…I fell in love with my best friend, at the wrong time.

I met *John when I was in sixth grade, and from the moment that I met him there was something that made me fall for him. Maybe it was the twinkle in his gorgeous blue eyes, or the fact that he dealt with me through my awkward middle school years, either way, he was definitely my middle school crush.

Fast forward a few years to eleventh grade, John texted me and said something that blew my mind. He told me that his girlfriend was pregnant, and that they were going to run away together. I was in total disbelief. My heart sank into my stomach, and I was angry, upset, and shocked all at once. I loved him, and he obviously loved his girlfriend…any chance I had with him was gone, or so I thought.

Our friendship changed a lot after that. I wanted to distance myself from him, but it hurt so much either way, either I lost him or I remained friends with him even though it shattered my heart. A lot was changing for him too, which I didn’t think about. Their relationship was crumbling behind walls, and they ended up breaking up at the end of her pregnancy.

Once John and his daughter’s mother broke up things were really weird. I didn’t want to be around him for a while, but at the same time I wanted to see him constantly. About a month after they broke up, and his daughter was born, I went over to his house to see him. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but then it happened, he kissed me.

On top of everything being weird, things just got a lot more difficult. Did I still want to date him? Of course I did, everything in my mind and heart told me so. But there was a slight hesitation when I remembered that he had a child now, and we were in two totally separate worlds.  We decided to take a shot at this, and see where it would go. Neither of us were really sure we could make a relationship last with all that had happened, and I was terrified to risk our friendship. It was work the risk though, and three years later, I wouldn’t change a thing.

I was called a lot of things at school when people found out we were dating. Homewrecker is still the word that makes my heart sink. Was I a homewrecker? No, but to the people that said it, it didn’t matter. I was accused of being pregnant several times throughout our first year dating, even by my own parents. I didn’t know if I was strong enough to do this anymore. On top of all of this, John finished high school online so he could see his daughter during the day, so I was at school facing these rumors and names alone.

John and his ex went to court several times over different things, child support, custody and more custody.  I never went with him, and I never asked him about it unless he brought it up first. Is that something I’m allowed to ask about, or is it private? It was better not to risk it, so I just tried to talk about something else. All I knew at that point was that his ex seemingly wanted to make things as difficult as possible, and I just had to stand by and let them argue and go to court time and time again.

Once summer hit I was starting to see John and his daughter a lot more. I would see her once in a while during the school year, but never enough to really interact with her. I wasn’t sure where I belonged, or if I even did. I didn’t fit into their family, and this definitely wasn’t my idea of a family, but something made me stay. His daughter definitely started to grow on me after that summer, and we started to go out in public as a ‘family’ more. I would notice glares that people shot me across the restaurant, or the loud and judgmental sighs when she would cry and I couldn’t console her. I wanted to scream “Stop judging me, I’m not a bad person!” from my top of my lungs just about every day that year.

Then came time for me to go off to college. John was commuting to a school I pushed him to go to, so that he could stay at home and raise his daughter but still get an education. I opted to go to a school 100 miles away, which turned our already odd relationship into a long-distance one as well. School gave me a fresh start, no one here was going to call me a homewrecker or shoot me dirty looks for no reason. The further I got along in school, the guiltier I was starting to feel. I hadn’t told anyone about John’s daughter. I talked loads about him, but I was never sure how to bring her up, so I just didn’t. That decision was slowly eating away at me.

I would go home and see John and his daughter when I was able to, and go back to school and be a "normal" college student. I was pretty content keeping my two worlds separate, but I was constantly scared that somehow someone would find out and judge me again. So to keep myself from feeling eaten up inside I told a few of my very close friends. The responses were exactly what I expected, a judgmental "what?!" and a long pause of silence before "wait, are you serious?" Not exactly the confidence boost I was hoping for, so after that I decided to not tell anyone unless I really felt I could trust them completely.  I’ve told a few people since then, a couple of friends and a professor that I really trust. I don’t think it’s something I need to tell everyone, though sometimes I wish that I had the confidence to.

My relationship with John is really weird at times. I’ve done things I wouldn’t expect to and had to deal with things I wouldn’t expect. I’m still trying to figure out what my position in her life is. It’s quite probable that I’ll be her step-mom one day, and that’s quite intimidating. I always associated step-mother with evil and wicked, maybe I watched too many Disney movies, which makes me worry that’s how she’s going to think of me one day. The thoughts of going to court and custody battles is a painful reality. There’s a lot of questions I can’t answer but the only thing that I know for certain is that I love John and his daughter, and while we may not be perfect, this is the reality that we live in.

 

*Names have been changed.

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