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Real Live College Guy Dale: Why Doesn’t He Want to Have Sex?

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I'm in a committed relationship with my boyfriend, but sometimes I feel like the guy! While I'm happy he doesn't pressure me into sex, he also isn't very interested in it. We've been dating a while and are very comfortable with each other. I don't want to pressure him either, but I'd like to understand. It makes me feel like he doesn't like how I look or something! Please help me understand this! – Sexless in Seattle

Seattle,

It’s a common misconception that the only thing on a man’s mind is sex. While it’s no secret that we definitely think about it, it isn’t the single most important thing to us. That being said, your situation kind of throws me for a loop.

No guy should pressure his girlfriend into having sex. If you don’t want to do it, he should respect that. And this works both ways – if he doesn’t want to have sex, then you shouldn’t force him into it either. But it seems like you’re only concerned because he doesn’t seem interested in doing the deed, and you want to understand why.

His disinterest could be due to a multitude of reasons. One theory, unfortunately, is that he might be cheating on you. This isn’t something any person wants to face, let alone accept. After building a relationship with someone, it can be hard to believe that your boyfriend would go behind your back. Maybe he feels like the relationship isn’t what it once was—the passion is dissipating and the romance is dwindling, and it’s possible that he’s finding other people to get these things from and is simply too cowardly to break things off with you.

Another possibility is that he’s gay. I’ll be honest, this was one of the first ideas that popped into my head, and it was only reaffirmed when my friend at Starbucks (who’s a gay man himself) jumped to this same conclusion. A guy who doesn’t jump at the opportunity to have sex? That’s fishy. Maybe he’s not ready to come out yet, maybe he’s afraid of what others might think or maybe he’s struggling with accepting the fact that he’s gay. Those are all possibilities, though they may not be strict probabilities.

A third possibility is that he’s just not that into sex. He may not be repulsed by the idea, but he also might not find it very appealing either. Don’t immediately think that it’s your fault though, because this doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or find you attractive anymore; it could simply mean that he isn’t as into sex as a lot of guys.

Of course, there’s the chance that he’s self-conscious. It happens to guys, too. Are we big enough? Are we fit enough? Will my super pale legs turn her off? Men have body issues too!

But how do you deal with these situations? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: it all comes down to communication. You’ve got to communicate your feelings with him if you want to make any progress. I wouldn’t suggest just outright asking him if he’s gay, nor would I force him to admit to cheating. However, I do believe you should sit him down and have a serious conversation with him and tell him your concerns. Tell him that when you two are intimate, you don’t feel as though he’s interested in taking things any further, and ask him why.

You could also try injecting a little passion into the relationship. I know a lot of couples that scheduled sex like it was a job, and I think that takes away from the experience. I won’t tell you what to do, but see if you can’t entice him to step out of his shyness or disinterest. Find a way to make him interested, but don’t sacrifice his or your own comfort to do so. 

Like I said earlier, not every guy is obsessed with sex. If you’re that concerned about the issue, I strongly suggest that you communicate your feelings with him. That’s the only way to clear the air and move past the issue.

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