It’s only a matter of time before this becomes the Hunger Games—a fact we knew going into the season of Bachelor in Paradise that promised to offer double the Ashleys, double the Iaconettis, and double the episodes per week. But we didn’t think things would get this serious so early on. Oh, who are we kidding? Of course we did.
1. Ashley I. brings along sister Lauren
As Chris Harrison gives his best “she doesn’t even go here” face.
2. And Ashley’s shirt works overtime to stay in just the right place
Paradise—the only place on earth where a backless, side-boob flaunting top worn without a bra is considered acceptable.
3. Jillian gets a boob job
Jillian justifies her sudden desire for implants by assuring us she just wanted her chest to rival the awesomeness that is her butt. And we cringed at the thought of what other body parts the producers would find to cover with a black box.
4. Ashley S. talks to a bunch of birds
Leave it to Ashley S. to meet her soulmate right out of the gate… or cage, in this case. At least she’s not talking to inanimate fruits anymore.
5. Mikey loses his shirt before the whole gang arrives
We totally sympathize with your underboob sweat situation, but isn’t it a little early to be getting shirtless and diving into the ocean? Not for this season’s alpha male; he said it, not us.
6. Tenley mourns her Kiptyn heartbreak
We’d heard about Kiptyn and Tenley’s breakup and his fast-paced new relationship through Internet gossip, but listening to Tenley talk about the demise of the only Bachelor Pad couple we thought still had a fighting chance gave us all the feels.
7. Marcus and Lacy get married
This was clearly meant to be a quick you-can-find-love-here motivator for the newest crop of rose rejects, but forcing this sweet Bachelor in Paradise season one success story to have twenty swimwear-clad attendees at their wedding instead of their preferred guest list was low—even for you, ABC!
8. Lauren sneezes, like, ten times in a row
What could she possibly be allergic to on the beaches of Mexico?
9. Kirk and Carly hit it off
Don’t get us wrong; we think this insta-couple is adorable. But we have a bad feeling that it’s too soon to get tied down to just one person with a rotating assortment of men and women arriving in Paradise every week.
10. Jared is unimpressed by Ashley I.’s Jasmine obsession
Ashley I. likes Jared. Jared has no idea. Ashley I. proceeds to tell Jared about her obsession with Princess Jasmine. Jared finds this kind of uninteresting. Ashley I. thinks he realizes she just made her move and that they’re totally together. Not so much.
11. There’s crying
See the previous item on this list for the reason why Ashley I. is already laugh-crying uncontrollably. And it turns out it’s in the Iaconetti genes because Lauren is crying night one about how much she hates being around people. What must the Kleenex budget be for these two?
12. The infamous Mexican ambulance from last season makes an appearance
And Ashley S. is inside. We have no idea why, but we’re guessing bird flu.
13. Hurricane Clare is on the prowl
Our favorite Paradise alum is back not just to rekindle the flame with that raccoon she spilled her guts to last season but to steal Kirk, Jared, and Tanner away from their ladies. Watch your backs.
Do you think things got real too fast on Bachelor in Paradise, collegiettes?