We each know our Starbucks order by heart, but what does that 10-second blurb of words - "extra,""shot,""half," or "caf" - really say about you? (Other than that you're willing to spend five dollars on some jitter-inducing, whipped-cream-covered, essentially-all-chocolate drink.)
Black Coffee: Wise
You truly appreciate coffee for what it is. You laugh in the face of the legging-clad frappucino drinkers. "Oh, java chip... I remember those days." You turn your nose up at the young folks sipping strawberry-flavored cream through a straw. Like your drink of choice, you are somewhat bitter at the others for their bravery in ordering more flamboyant drinks. But through and through, you will sip your dark roast, embrace that resulting buzz, and continue to subtly brag about how you have taken it black since the mere age of 15.
You can't quite meet the barista's eyes when you order your drink, and when she finally yells, "Caramel frappuccino for Sarah," you grab your drink and make haste for the exit before the entire Starbucks crowd has a chance to judge you for the calorie-per-cent drink you just shelled out five dollars for (you like to avoid doing the math). But once you step outside that forest-green haven of hipsters and scones, you rejoice. For it is just you and your frap. And we all know, deep down, that the sweet taste of a frappuccino is worth each disapproving glare, and each godforesaken cent you just spent.
A little bit of sugar helps the medicine go down, amirite? That's your motto everytime you walk into Starbucks, and it's also justification for your mocha. Bitter drinks and bitter attitudes are just not your thing. And hey, when has chocolate ever hurt anyone? You say shots, shots, shots, everybody! Flavor shots, that is.
When it comes to caffeine, you don't fool around. You want it to work like magic. You are Sirius about coffee. One shot of espresso, and it's as though you were put under a spell of alertness.
You have no shame in your order. You march your spirit-jersey-clad self up to the counter and confidently order your regular. The perfectly balanced concoction of espresso and steamed milk are much like your perfectly-balanced personality: hovering between narcissistic and humble. The only time your drink order is a problem is when the barista calls, "Grande latte for Kelly," and four different brunettes in Tory Burch flats go up to grab it, including you.
Iced Coffee: Laid-back
Much like your drink, you're chill. You waltz into the coffee shop and patiently wait in line to order your iced beverage. When it's ready, you slyly shake around the ice cubes and sip until your temperature matches your mindset: cool.
No matter what your drink of choice is, behind all the hissing machines, sugary syrups and barista judgment lies a fact: coffee is to be enjoyed. So do yo thang.