Ah, Valentine’s Day. A day where millions of bros waste endless amounts of money on roses that would normally cost half as much, even the worst restaurants have ridiculously long lines to get into, and if we’re single, we happily crack a cold one and watch the game alone before going to bed satisfied with our lives.
If you hadn’t gotten the vibe, Valentine’s Day really wouldn’t mean much to us if we didn’t have to make such a fuss over you. Not that we mind because without all of you beautiful women, we’d be lost. Or happily watching sports with our bros. It’s a toss up.
But seriously, for all of you lovely ladies out there with boyfriends who have decided you want to do something nice for him as well—I salute you. That said, make sure you DON’T do any of the following, and you’ll be much less likely to mess up.
1. Compare us to anyone else
Oh, your ex-boyfriend bought you diamonds after two months of dating last Valentine’s Day? I’m sorry, I actually have to pay for college! Seriously, if my homemade, folded-into-fours card is worth less to you than the one your ex got you from Walmart’s 99 cent aisle last year, stay home. Alone. And if me making dinner for you isn’t as nice as the really expensive restaurant your ex took you to last year, call him up and see what his plans are. Seriously. There is absolutely nothing worse than being compared to other guys, especially all your crappy exes!
Do you understand the pressure of Valentine’s Day? Honestly girls, you’ve taken this to obscene levels. This is the one day you undoubtedly get to be pampered and loved (according to TV commercials and CVS) and you’ve ruined it. You’re not Cinderella and I’m not Prince Charming. However, we want you to be our princess and will happily be your prince if you’d stop telling us about how great your ex was.
2. Take us lingerie shopping
We do not want to go into Victoria’s Secret, Frederick’s of Hollywood, or even the bra and panty section of Kohl’s. We don’t need to bump into half-naked mannequins and it’s uncomfortable seeing 13-year-old girls and 65-year-old women shopping there, all of whom are either leering at us like we’re creeps or giggling at us under their breath. Then, we’ll probably pick something up saying “I like this,” not even looking at how big it is, and it’ll be entirely the wrong size and get us in trouble. It’ll kill the mood for both of us. Besides, wouldn’t you love having a super sexy secret surprise for us?
3. Give us a card
Most guys don’t have a sentimental girlfriend box with each and every one of your names on it, meaning we’re not going to keep every single thing you give to us or every little memory of the things we do together, Valentine’s Day or not. So, here’s the thing with getting us a card: it’s nice of you for thinking of us, but frankly it’s bad news all around. For starters, we’re not going to keep it forever, so how long is long enough? Do you want it on display on our kitchen table or dorm room desk so you see it and know how much we care about you every time you come over? Side note: if you need to see the card you gave me to know how much I care, our relationship has some problems. Next is the issue of the sentiment behind the card. If it’s well thought out, funny, and/or relates to something about our relationship, then the card is acceptable, but if it’s just some sappy Hallmark crap with someone else’s words and fancy cursive with glitter, we don’t care. We don’t want it.
4. Buy us flowers
Not that I think this is realistic, but in case you were thinking about it: what the heck do we want with them? We’re going to forget to put them in water and sunlight and we’ll kill them and get in trouble. See “no cards” for further explanation.
5. NO CHANNING TATUM, TAYLOR LAUTNER OR RYAN GOSLING ALLOWED—THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Seriously, we get that they’re way hotter than we will ever be. No, seriously, we literally get told that 365 days a year. Take a day off, and tell us we’re attractive. Not to get all girly here, but when you tell your man he’s everything you want, and hot and sexy, it goes right to our head. Not in a bad way, either. It’s reassuring to know how you feel about us, even if you think we already know. Knowing how attracted you are to us and how much we mean to you will lead us to respond and react to you in ways you’ll love—deeper attraction, deeper feelings, a stronger desire to protect you and call you ours, etc.! Plus, a little confidence boost heading into the bedroom never hurt anyone’s performance.
Look, we know that scene in The Notebook when Ryan Gosling is in the rain and then shirtless and then gets it on with Rachel McAdams... mainly because you tell us about it. You bite your lips and crinkle your nose while you’re sitting next to us on the couch watching HIM. The point is, you’re free to pick the movie, but don’t hurt our ego and make us watch one of those dudes get you off, especially right before using that super sexy secret surprise you hopefully didn’t bring us to VS to pick out.
6. Leave us without plans
Look, there’s something we need to get straight: ‘Chicks Before Dicks’ is not a thing. Here’s why: 1) you stole it from us. Bros Before Hoes came first, and frankly, you owe us money every time you run away and use your girlfriends as an excuse because it’s blatant copyright infringement. 2) Every bro knows that this rule doesn’t actually apply when the aforementioned “hoe” is actually someone important. Every guy hates it when his bro gets a girlfriend because things change and he isn’t required to come watch SportsCenter with you on repeat for hours when his girlfriend wants to hang out. We know that Valentine’s Day means WAAAAAY too much to every single one of you, and for those of you who are single, it’s an incredibly depressing and/or cynical day. It’s natural as a good friend to want to be there to support your sad and single girlfriends on Valentine’s Day. But, well, there’s a reason we still love our bro when he doesn’t watch SportsCenter all day with us: he’s happy. And somewhere, extremely well hidden very deep inside all of us, we want that too, so we let him go. If your girlfriends are really going to be mad at you for going out with your sweetie on Valentine’s Day, they aren’t very good friends to begin with and your life would be so much less dramatic without them. So don’t leave us hanging last minute because Laura needs a new gallon of Cherry Garcia Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream and someone to eat it with. There’s always tomorrow. As Real Live College Guy Andy puts it, “this is not a day to feel sorry for single people. If you have a significant other, celebrate it!”
7. Be apathetic
If we ask you where you want to go to dinner, it’s because we want you to enjoy our date. If we ask you what type of flowers you want, it’s because we’re thinking of you and like to make you happy. And no, that’s not a stupid question because yes, I have had girls get mad at me for getting them roses – once because she thought roses were too clichéd so I clearly wasn’t putting any thought into what I got her, the other because she shockingly hated roses. If we ask you what movie you want to watch while we cuddle on the couch, don’t say you don’t care because you’ll end up watching Star Wars, Miracle, Hoosiers, or Field of Dreams. If you’re okay with that, well then you’re awesome and shouldn’t be worried about reading this article anyway. But seriously, if we’re asking you to choose, it’s not because we’re slacking, it’s because we know how much Valentine’s Day means to you and we want it to be as good as it can possibly be, so your insight is important. I asked one of my best lady friends, a 20-year-old junior at Merrimack College, for her take on the subject. Here’s what she had to say:
“Girls say ‘I don’t care’ because they don’t want to choose. Don’t ever make a girl choose. You should have spent time getting to know her so then she wants to see how well you do. She’s leaving it kind of as a test up to you if you can take her somewhere she will enjoy! Dates are on you. When you’ve been together long enough, then she’ll start taking control.”
Here’s my takeaway from all that:
- RE: taking control – I’m scared.
- What if it’s one of those ‘we’re not really dating but you’re my date for Valentine’s Day’ type things, or Valentine’s Day is your actual first date? We don’t know anything about you yet! That’s way too much pressure on us considering…
- YOU MADE THIS A TEST?! You’ve completely ruined this day for yourselves. I’m disgusted.
- Bottom line: throw us a bone. We’re doing this for you, so humor us. You don’t have to say exactly where you want to go or what flowers you want, just give us a ballpark idea like Italian food or the red flowers that come in 12 packs with thorns.
Love it or hate it, Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and the clock is ticking. The good news for the ladies reading this is that my last sentence should really only make the guys start to panic. Any pressure has now been lifted from your shoulders because, lucky for you, you have me (and my list of things I’d actually want my girlfriend to do for me on Valentine’s day). And, really, what more could any gal need?