We’ve all been there: You meet a cute guy and everything is going perfectly. You text each other all day long, he walks you to class and you’ve met each other’s friends. But just when you’re ready to officially call him your boyfriend, he starts backing off. What gives?!
Now, before you start complaining to all of your friends about what a D-bag he is, read this. We spoke to some college boys and Scot McKay, the CEO and founder of dating company X&Y Communications, about what’s REALLY going on. Believe it or not, there are some valid reasons why the guy you’ve got your eye on has commitment issues!
1. He’s haunted by his ex-girlfriend
Ladies, we aren’t the only ones who have had bad experiences in relationships, nor are we the only ones to long for our exes months after we’ve broken up.
Chris, a recent graduate of Rider University, says his old relationship has held him back from new relationships, due to “still liking her, the mistrust I'll have for the new person and fear of rejection.”
Then there are the guys who are reluctant to start a relationship because an ex left them scarred. “In my last relationship, my girlfriend was extremely clingy. It got to the point where she didn’t even want to let me have an hour to myself,” says Stephen, a senior at Rutgers University. “Now that the relationship is over, I still have that memory in the back of my head, and I fear it would happen again.”
Don’t fear though, collegiettes; McKay says that “if you view a new person through the lens of the past, that's myopic and a bit immature.” If you are the right girl to change this boy’s ways, he’ll know! Show him that you care by letting him share his feelings about his past. It’s no fun to hear him talk about other girls, we know, but by listening to him and showing him you can take it, you are showing him your maturity. Plus, you’ll learn what his ex-girlfriend did wrong, and you can assure him that you’re not like that!
2. He doesn’t want to be tied down
No matter how great you are, boys will be boys, and some just don’t want to be tied down. “College is my time to experiment and have fun––I don’t want all my memories of college to be the same as my memories when I’m 50,” says Mark, a junior from Michigan State University. “Even if I meet a great girl, I want to have fun with her, but I can’t promise to be with just her.”
It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you and it doesn’t mean the guy is a jerk––he just isn’t ready to settle down. Even if he has feelings for you, he may not be ready for a relationship.
“It’s messed up, but I actually broke up with my college girlfriend because I felt like I was missing out on all the fun my single friends were having,” says Alex, a recent graduate of the University of Delaware. “She was great, but I have my whole life to settle down with one girl.” If a guy has this mentality, the last thing you want to do is cling to him. Have fun with him, but keep your options open as well!
3. He feels pressured
In a college boy’s mind, “boyfriend” is often a terrifying word. The dreaded label can create unnecessary pressure for a guy.
“I feel like girls have been only interested in the title of ‘boyfriend/girlfriend,’ and that’s a big turnoff,” says Patrick, a recent graduate of West Chester University. If you are constantly asking your guy to clarify what you are to each other, it could push him further away.
Matthew, a student at the University of Virginia, says, “I once was seeing a girl that asked me after only a few weeks when we could be ‘Facebook official.’ It turned me off from her completely––I’m not going to date a girl that is using me just to make herself look cool on social media!”
If a guy feels as if you are expecting too much out of the relationship, it makes the situation too serious. This doesn’t mean all guys are terrified of labels. “The ‘label’ issue goes away magically when the right person comes along... believe me,” McKay says. Don’t pressure him about it––he might come to the decision of wanting a label all on his own.
4. He just wants a physical relationship
So you’ve been hooking up with a guy and you’ve become emotionally attached. He doesn’t seem to be making any further moves––and unfortunately, it isn’t likely that he will.
“He feels as if he'd be settling were he to end up with her, but doesn't want to give up the regular sex while he's waiting for a better option to come along,” McKay says. “For obvious reasons, he's NEVER going to tell her this.”
Generally speaking, once guys start hooking up with a girl, that can become all they want. “If there's a physical attraction, that may be all he wants,” says Chris. “If you feel like you can't tell them things you would to a girlfriend, that's a reason to keep it strictly sexual.”
This doesn’t mean that friends-with-benefits situations never result in something more. But in college, if a guy seems to be keeping things physical, it’s probably exactly the way he wants it. If you want more than that, start looking for a guy who wants to take you out to dinner––not just to the bedroom.
5. He’s just not that into you
Remember that scene in He’s Just Not That Into You when Gigi is over-analyzing every move of her date to figure out why she didn’t get a call, and Alex bluntly stated those six jaw-dropping words? Unfortunately, they’re likely true if a guy isn’t making any moves.
Ashley*, a senior at Hofstra University, chased the same guy around for almost four years. “I tried everything I could to get him to like me, and I finally came to the realization one day that he is just never going to,” she says. “Once I accepted that and truly started to move on, I got a sense of happiness I never felt in all of those years trying to make him commit to me. We’re still friends to this day!”
So what if he still doesn’t like you? That’s completely his loss, and although sometimes we collegiettes forget it, we DO deserve somebody who will make us feel special, and not someone who we have to change for. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you if this guy doesn’t want to commit, it just means someone else out there is more right for you.
Trying to figure out what is going on in a boy’s head is one of the most confusing parts of college. If he’s not willing to commit, it’s not necessarily that he’s just a jerk; guys have issues too, just like we do. Who knew?
*Name has been changed.