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The Ex-Hook-Up Contract You Wish You Had


We all know that once things go south with a hook-up buddy, things can also get… well, awkward. When you and your go-to hook-up decide to call it quits (or if you’ve hooked up with a guy once before realizing it was a terrible mistake), you might find yourself wishing there was a set of guidelines you two could follow to make your post-breakup/post-hook-up encounters in the quad a little less uncomfortable. To help ease that transition from friends-with-benefits to friends (or at least agreeable acquaintances), here are a few conditions that you and your ex-hook-up could really benefit from agreeing upon.

1. I, the Collegiette, vow to never pretend to check my text messages when passing you, the Ex-Hook-Up, around campus instead of saying, “Hi.”

2. If the Ex-Hook-Up happens to be at the same party as the Collegiette, the Collegiette promises not to creepily stare at the Ex-Hook-Up from across the room, trying to will him to acknowledge her—unless, of course, the Ex-Hook-Up appears to be blatantly ignoring the Collegiette, in which case the Collegiette may be forced to confront the Ex-Hook-Up directly.

3. When the Ex-Hook-Up greets the Collegiette, he must do without touching her body in any way that may be regarded as overly intimate or inappropriate.

4. When the Collegiette starts hooking up with or dating someone new, she won’t try and drop hints about him to the Ex-Hook-Up by saying things like, “Oh, me and my new guy totally loved that new Ben Affleck movie.”

5. If the Collegiette ever sees the Ex-Hook-Up with another girl, she promises not to openly weep (or she’ll at least excuse herself to the nearest bathroom to do so first).

6. The Collegiette will understand that it’s never okay to tell her friends intimate secrets about her past encounters with the Ex-Hook-Up (except for maybe a few juicy details).

7. The Collegiette will refrain from talking badly about the Ex-Hook-Up with her friends—unless they start it, because then it will simply be out of her hands.

8. Similarly, the Collegiette will never bash the Ex-Hook-Up in front of other girls (even if some of those girls are interested in catching the eye of the Ex-Hook-Up and the Collegiette is jealous).

9. The Ex-Hook-Up should ask his friends to greet the Collegiette in the same cordial manner they had before he and the Collegiette decided to end things so that they do not awkwardly scurry in the opposite direction when they see the Collegiette approaching.

10. If the Collegiette ever compliments the Ex-Hook-Up, she promises to keep it purely platonic (even if the Ex-Hook-Up has been hitting the gym more than usual and he’s looking really good).

11. The Collegiette will never hook up with another person in front of the Ex-Hook-Up in an obvious attempt to make him jealous (and vice versa)—unless the Collegiette has had a little bit too much to drink, in which case, no promises.

12. The Collegiette will finally change the Ex-Hook-Up’s name in her phone from “Booty Call” to the Ex-Hook-Up’s actual name (or maybe, at least for a little while, the Collegiette will just delete the Ex-Hook-Up’s number from her phone altogether).

13. If the Collegiette ever spots the Ex-Hook-Up’s new hook-up buddy at a party, she promises not to confront her—unless the new hook-up buddy gives the Collegiette the stink eye, in which case the Collegiette will probably have to give her a talking-to.

14. The Collegiette promises to never passive-aggressively tweet sad song lyrics or other weepy sentiments about feeling deceived or disillusioned that are obviously alluding to the former relationship she had with the Ex-Hook-Up.

15. When the Collegiette is on Facebook, she will try her best not to regularly stalk the Ex-Hook-Up, and when she does check out the Ex-Hook-Up’s page, she’ll at least refrain from “liking” all of the Ex-Hook-Up’s photos and status updates so that her stalking isn’t obvious.

16. The Collegiette also vows to stay away from the Ex-Hook-Up’s new hook-up buddy’s Facebook page (except for maybe a peek when the Collegiette first finds out her name to make sure the new hook-up buddy isn’t prettier than her).

17. The Ex-Hook-Up should refrain from sending any late-night booty calls to the Collegiette without any pretext, thinking they can simply rekindle their relationship when it is convenient for him. 

18. When the Collegiette is drunk, she’ll do her best to not send the Ex-Hook-Up text messages telling him how much she misses him or asking what she ever did wrong.

19. The Collegiette vows never to send the Ex-Hook-Up any more X-rated Snapchats (even if the Ex-Hook-Up requests that she send them).

20. The Ex-Hook-Up will likewise no longer send the Collegiette any X-rated Snapchats (and let’s be real—that was never actually attractive).

21. The Collegiette will finally give the Ex-Hook-Up back that hoodie he left in her room that one time (even though it’s really comfortable and the Collegiette would rather keep it for herself). 

22. The Ex-Hook-Up should stop making excuses to end up in the Collegiette’s dorm hallway on Friday and Saturday nights, claiming that he’d just happened to be hanging out down the hall.

23. The Collegiette will try her best to let go of the hope she used to hold on to that the long-term hook-up she maintained with the Ex-Hook-Up would eventually lead to a relationship.

24. The Collegiette promises that she will finally come to terms with the fact that, more than likely, she and the Ex-Hook-Up are never, ever, ever getting back together (but she maintains the right to change her mind about that in a couple of months).


What else would you add to this list, collegiettes? Share your own ex-hook-up agreement additions in the comments below! 

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