You’re a good friend. When something awesome — like say, a new relationship — happens for someone you know, of course you’re beyond happy for him or her. Cue the rose petals and the Michael Bublé playlist! Huzzah for the new couple!
Except, let’s be honest: While Romeo and Juliet are dancing around in their newly constructed bubble of love, oblivious to the outside world, their actions can get pretty obnoxious. And there you are, the audience to their love affair — except, unlike a Shakespearean play of old, you can’t throw food at them to make them stop. What you can do is sneakily forward them this article.
Please, for the love of our sanity, new couples, stop doing these seven things… and for those of you single readers, when your time comes, keep these hints in mind as well.
1. You hang out with only each other
There should be a verb for said phenomenon: ghost (verb; to quickly and abruptly vanish from your friends’ lives, to only hang out with your new paramour, to become suddenly unavailable).
In all seriousness, one of the worst things you can do when you begin a new romance is to forget that you actually had relationships before this. Even if they weren’t the kind that involve making out.
Your friends were there for you while you stressed about midterms, got a little too tipsy, cried from homesickness and had an internship crisis. In other words, they’ve stuck with you, so now it’s your turn to stick with them.
It’s so tempting to spend all of your time with your new boyfriend or girlfriend and completely ghost on your friends. However, whether your love lasts or not, you’re going to want to hang out with your friends again — so make a serious effort to maintain a good balance now.
2. “I” suddenly becomes “we”
PSA: Just because you are now spending a significant portion of your time with another person, cuddling together, watching “your” TV show together and going on sushi dates together, does not mean you have merged into a single entity with him or her. We are not two-headed aliens, nor are we Queen Elizabeth. So let’s refer to ourselves in the first person singular, shall we?
Sample dialogue: “We went to see that new movie with (insert cool actress and actor here). We think (cool actress) has been getting way too much hype! But we thought (cool actor) did a great job.”
Did you hear that? That’s the sound of nails on a chalkboard. It’s screeching through your friends’ minds as they listen to you. Let’s try again:
“We went to see that new movie with (insert cool actress and actor here). I’m not sure why all the critics are saying (cool actress) deserves an Emmy; I thought her performance was pretty weak. (Cool actor), however, was super convincing.”
Much better, right? You’ve spent your whole life developing your own personality, opinions and independence! Now go forth and use them.
3. You engage in serious PDA
Something about a new boyfriend or girlfriend has a way of magnetizing your lips and hands to his or her body and erasing all of your self-control. It’s like zooming back to the Paleolithic Era. “Such. Cute. Butt. Must. Touch.”
Hold up, homeboy or homegirl. If your SO is cool with you grabbing his or her tush, then you go right ahead and grab it — in private. Because, although being flirty and fun in public may work for you, it doesn’t work for, oh, 99 percent of the population, who incidentally are being held captive to your public display of butt attack.
There's a good rule of thumb (literally) for deciding whether or not you and your honey boo are being appropriate. Picture your grandmother on the scene. Is she smiling kindly and ready to bake some cookies, or is she frowning in young-people-these-days disapproval? Don’t make Nana mad. Dial down the touchiness.
4. You can’t stop talking about your relationship (and all of the details)
While you may find it fascinating that your SO has a nut allergy or that his or her first pet was a guinea pig, unfortunately, your friends do not share this fixation. They especially don’t want to hear you talk on… and on… and on about how no one at your SO’s preschool could eat PB&Js or that the rodent’s name was Harry.
Nonstop narration on the details of your boyfriend or girlfriend’s lives isn’t only annoying, but it’s also a little rude. Physically, you’re with your friends, but mentally, you’re with your sweet thang. Your friends will inevitably get resentful.
However, this doesn’t mean you can never talk about your SO — just make sure it’s a topic of conversation, but not the whole conversation.
5. You act like no one else “gets it”
When you enter a new relationship, the magical feelings (read: lust, adrenaline, happiness, anxiety) that make you feel like you’re the star of a Disney movie are a little overwhelming. Apart from making you do weird things like burst into song and talk incessantly about your SO (see above), these emotions can also make you feel like you’re the first person in the world to ever feel this way about another person. After all, if everyone walked around in this state, there’d be spontaneous combustion on the streets.
Okay. Feel free to, in the safety of your own mind, believe that your love is the truest love that’s ever been brought to life in this universe — but do not share this with the outside world. Do not disregard your friends’ advice because they “don’t know how it feels.” Do not tell people they’ve never experienced a similar passion. Especially do not act like you’re worthier because you’ve been blessed with a history-defying romance.
6. You two are inseparable (and not in a cute way)
Here are some things you should never leave the house without: your keys, some form of money (at least $20), a form of identification, your underwear and your cell phone.
Did you notice what was missing from that list? Your SO.
Unless your boyfriend or girlfriend is about to depart on a multi-year journey, then relax. You will have lots and lots of time to hang out with him or her and count each and every freckle on his or her adorable arm. Therefore, there is no need to take him or her along with you to every activity in your life, from the dentist’s office to drinks with your besties.
Sorry, Jordin Sparks, but you can and will breathe when you’re not with your SO, even if that’s not how it feels “whenever [your SO] ain’t there.”
7. You take endless couple selfies
Pregnant women may glow, but it’s common knowledge that you’re never as photogenic as when you are in a relationship. Every strand of your hair shines, your smile is flawless, your teeth are white as snow and, by the way, you have an adorable accessory to prop on your arm in pics — your SO.
We understand the urge to document your glory for the world, but trust us: The world is perfectly content with snapshots, not the whole scrapbook. Please limit yourself to a Facebook album or two, and definitely do not get confused into thinking your Instagram followers need a new couple pic every day of the week.
While we’re on the subject of social media, examine your recent tweets and Snapchat stories as well. Are they all about your man or woman? If yes, take note: This is not endearing. This is obsessive. We know you have other interests besides your snuggle buddy, so let’s see ‘em.
Well, new couples, we wish you the best on your road from I-was-just-single-dom to we’ve-been-together-HOW-long?!? land. It’s a beautiful journey. And if you avoid these mistakes, it’ll be a non-obnoxious one as well. Trust us, your friends will thank you.