We all need a little guidance now and then, so whether you’re stressed about a fling gone wrong, a recently wrecked relationship or how to handle a stage-five clinger, Real Live College Guy Dale is here to help you navigate the college dating scene.
I was crushing on this guy for over a year despite the fact that he already had a girlfriend. I was trying to get over him, but eventually I admitted my feelings for him and was brutally shot down. He's single now, and although I've tried to stay friends with him, the things he has said hurt me. I want to move on and also prove to him that he can't walk all over me after shooting me down like he did, and I also don't want to be his second, third or fourth choice. However, a large part of me doesn't want to lose him. I'm torn between being disgusted with him and liking him... help? – Vulnerable at Vanderbilt
You’ve got two options here, Vanderbilt. One: Give up and be try to be his fifth choice. Two: Realize that obviously this guy doesn’t care about your feelings, and move on.
In reality, you only have one option, and it’s that last one. Let’s put this in perspective: You never actually went out with him — you just had a big crush on him — and instead of falling in love with you (as he might have done if this were a teenage romance movie), he shot you down.
The biggest issue here is that you never actually went out with him, nor were you ever actually great friends with the guy — at least, not according to your letter. To him (and even, to some extent, me) you’re a girl who’s had a kind of weird, obsessive crush on him for over a year. You don’t want to lose him? Lose what? I’m gonna roll some bitter reality your way, Vanderbilt: You never had anything to lose in the first place because he was never actually yours.
On the flip side, if he hurt you so much, then he’s just not worth your time. There are ways you go about turning someone down, and doing so brutally isn’t one of those ways. No one wants to be shot down, so the least we can do for one another is cushion the blow by being courteous with our letdowns. You should instead be looking for a guy who actually wants to be with you and make you happy. You don’t want to be his umpteenth choice, but for some reason in the back of your mind, you’re convinced that he and you are supposed to be together.
News flash: You’re not.
Let go and move on to greener pastures.