How To Practice Self-Care When You Or A Loved One Are Affected By Suicide

Hearing about the suicide of a public figure, someone in your community, or a loved one brings on immense challenges and pain, but we at Her Campus want to let college folks know that there are safe coping methods for when your life (or the lives of people you care about) are affected by suicide.

Practicing self-care after a tragedy can seem difficult, but it’s absolutely necessary for your safety and mental wellbeing. Nobody has to bear this burden alone, and nobody should. Here is a list of resources and methods that we encourage you to take if you’re coping with the news of a loved one’s, acquaintance’s or public figure’s suicide.

1. Talk to somebody

Your friends and family are your first resource for support—you can ask your parents for guidance, and can lean on your friends’ shoulders. Above all, know that you’re not alone: people are always there for you, and they’re always ready and willing to help.

If you feel like your friends and family aren’t giving you the support you want, you can sign up for a program like the Buddy Project, a nonprofit that pairs up young adults and teens based on their interests to create a peer support network.

“We got started by having a buddy pairing system that takes two participants based on their similar interests and age and puts them together,” Founder and CEO Gabby Frost, (also a 2017 Her Campus 22 Under 22 honoree) told Her Campus. “I made this in hopes that it would give people a positive peer support system. I had many friends that had mental health conditions and I knew people online that didn’t have support, so I wanted to give people a community where they feel safe and connected and can talk about what they’re going through.”

Your loved ones are there for you and willing to support you after a tragedy, even if you may not feel that way. But if you want someone to talk to that you know will listen, there are various suicide prevention hotlines that offer open ears.

Dr. Nadine Kaslow, Ph.D., a professor and chief psychologist at Emory University, also told Her Campus that folks should figure out the seriousness of your distress and act accordingly.

"If you have serious thoughts of ending your life or attempting suicide, especially if you have a specific plan to do so, get help immediately. This may mean going to the emergency room or calling 911. However, if it isn’t that serious, but you are thinking about death or ending your life yet you don’t have a plan or trust that you won’t act on those thoughts, then you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or the National Hopeline Network at 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)," she said. 

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a free and confidential hotline that answers calls 24/7. If you’re feeling upset, you can call them for emotional support and talk through your feelings instead of keeping them bottled up. If you are LGBTQ+, you can contact the Trevor Project Lifeline at 866-488-7386, and transgender people can also call the Trans Lifeline at 877-565-8860. According to their website, the Trans Lifeline is "staffed by transgender people for transgender people," making it a helpful option if you're looking for someone who will understand your specific experiences better.

If talking on the phone is scary for you, you can also text “HOME” to 741741 to reach the Crisis Text Line. Like the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, the Crisis Text Line is also free, 24/7, and confidential, and employs empathetic listening techniques to help calm you down when you’re in crisis.

2. Know when to take a break

Elana Premack Sandler L.C.S.W., M.P.H, assistant director and associate professor of practice at Simmons College, and a blogger on Psychology Today, told Her Campus:  “For college students, I would encourage them to balance reading about news of suicide (it is very easy to fall down a click-hole!) with being sure to take media/social media breaks.” She suggested putting a timer on your phone to help you know when you should step away from your screen.

This is especially important for people who struggle or have struggled with self-harm in the past. “Journaling, listening to music, doing something to engage your sensory self (taking a shower or bath, wrapping yourself in a blanket, chewing something with a strong taste, holding an ice cube), calling a friend, and exercising are all positive things that people can do to try to shift the focus from self-harm,” Premack Sandler said. 

The Mix also provided an A to Z list of distraction methods you can use if you struggle or have struggled with self-harm.

Frost also emphasizes the need for taking care of yourself. “Self-care is different for every person, but one of the main ways you can practice it is by putting your needs and health first,” she said. “That can be really tough at times, especially when we’re used to hearing, ‘Don’t be selfish, don’t put yourself over others,’ but learning that it’s okay to do that is such a beneficial thing.”

Frost’s examples of her own self-care methods included washing her sheets, finding online websites for distraction, and calling a friend to come over. “Find the things that make you feel at peace and have a bunch of different ones listed for yourself,” she recommends, “so that whenever you need to focus on yourself again, you can do something on that list and keep trying until you find something that calms you down and gets you back to where you need to be.”

Kaslow offered even more examples, but also noted that what works for someone else may not work for you. "Meditation can be very relaxing and there are a lot of apps now that can help you relax and be more mindful and self-compassionate," she said. "It often helps to do something soothing, like a hot bath or shower."

3. Stay grounded

“Sometimes people can feel very hopeless when a public figure dies by suicide, thinking, ‘If this person had it all, how can I feel like my life is going to be okay?’” Premack Sandler said. “Try to stay as grounded and connected as possible—connect with real people (even if not in person), make your best effort to do things to take care of your basic needs, and do things that help you experience life (going outside/getting fresh air/eating healthy food).”

You may feel guilty for attempting to continue normal habits after news of a suicide, but understand that eating and taking care of yourself help you heal—like taking a break, they make sure that not all your focus remains on the news of the suicide.

4. Look for warning signs in others—and yourself, too

Suicide Awareness Voices of Education (SAVE) put together a list of warning signs and risk factors that everyone should check each other and themselves for. They clarify that there is a difference between warning signs and risk factors: Warning signs signify that urgent help is needed and that the person is in danger. They have a lot to do with a person’s current behavior, such as talking about suicide often, feeling isolated, or acting anxious.

Risk factors, on the other hand, mean a person is more likely to consider suicide. They’re more connected to situational circumstances, like recently losing a job or relationship, generally lacking social support, or dealing with alcohol or substance use disorders. However, if you notice either a warning sign or a risk factor in someone, you shouldn’t stay silent: Make sure you check in on them, and let them know that you are here for them. Help them seek the help they need, and don’t give up on them.

According to Kaslow, warning signs may not look as obvious as you think, either. "Other warning signs include increases in depression and anxiety, difficulty having pleasure in life, feeling ashamed or humiliated, or doing risker activities," she explains. "One thing people often don’t realize is that often people are more at risk for dying by suicide when they start to get better and have more energy."

Frost also points out that joking about mental health can be a sign of something deeper. “A lot of people think jokes about mental health mean that a person is coping with it, but if you know someone’s that’s making a lot of dark jokes, you should check in with them. Having one person ask about them can be what saves them,” she said.

If you're unsure how to actually talk to someone you're concerned about, Kaslow recommends a direct but nonjudgmental approach. "It often works best if you just ask someone directly if they have thought about hurting themselves or killing themselves or ending their lives," she said. "Phrase the question in a way that they can say yes or no. Make sure if they answer yes that you let them know that you care about them and don’t want them to die. Also let them know you will be there for them and will help them get the help they need. In these conversations, it is important that you both talk openly and honestly, that you listen and are not critical or judgmental, and that you stay with the person until they get the help they need."

5. Keep the conversation going

A lot of times, conversations about mental health start up when suicide becomes a hot topic in media (like the premiere of 13 Reasons Why.) But Frost notes that we should attempt to normalize the conversation surrounding mental health and suicide, and talk about it more often.

“Check in on your friends and family on a regular basis and maintain that constant communication so you’re not missing out on anything,” she said. “Ask someone how they are, not in an impersonal way … and really just show how much you care about that person and when you’re not directly talking to them, encourage people to reach out to you on social media. Make it something to bring up when it’s not technically relevant in the media, because if people know there’s someone out there that cares, it can make such a difference.”

We hope that after you finish reading this, you continue to do that job: normalize the conversation around mental health to erase the stigma. If more people feel comfortable talking about issues like this, they can find the help they need much faster. 

If you or someone you know is having a hard time or experiencing thoughts of suicide or self-harm, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255 or use the crisis text line 741741 (ext HOME) to talk to a mental health professional.