Telling someone you’re into them is possibly one of the most awkward things to do, especially if you’re questioning whether they like you back. To avoid some of this awkwardness, we naturally turn toward our friends and our crush’s friends to see if they know. But involving your crush’s friends can be dangerous. If you’re in this position right now and aren’t sure if you should get your crush’s friends involved, here are a few reasons why you really shouldn’t.
1. It can make things weird for everybody
Bringing your crush’s friends in might sound like a good idea, but trust us, it’s probably not. It can just make things weird for everybody, especially if you two share a friend group. Take it from Chelsea* who had a bad experience with this after connecting one of her friends from high school, Kaitlyn*, with her college best friend, Michael*. “I really wish I hadn't, because their relationship has been bad for my friendship with both of them,” she says. “I think relationships should happen more naturally. If someone isn't in your group, don't add them in just to set them up with someone. Let things happen as they happen. SOs don't need to be integrated into the friend group.” Chelsea’s right. Sometimes getting your and/or your crush’s friends involved can just make things that much more complicated for not just you and your crush, but for your friends, too.
2. It can cause a rift between you and your crush
Sometimes going around your crush to their friends can come off as sketchy. Think about it like this: if your crush was talking to your friends about you, and you didn’t entirely know what they talked about, how would you feel? Of course, if you have good friends, they’ll tell you what’s up, but it would still seem kind of weird, like why didn’t they come to me? It’s possible that going to your crush’s friends could make them feel that way. “I made the mistake of getting my boyfriend's friend involved, and it lead to my boyfriend asking for a break because it only made things worse,” Megan Mann, a graduate from Purdue University, says. “I was worried about something, said something to his friend and then it got muddled and the next thing I knew, it was break time. It makes things REALLY convoluted and shouldn't be a thing.” Listen to Megan and just be straightforward with your crush; let them know what you’re thinking and feeling. It might be kind of uncomfortable, but it will be what’s best for both of you at the end of the day.
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3. It can feel unnatural
One of the quickest ways to kill a forming relationship is to force it. Even if it’s awkward not knowing where your crush stands, it’s definitely better to let things play out than to make things play out. “You want a relationship, or budding relationship, to form naturally,” Chloe Powers, a senior at Johnson & Wales University, says. “Getting your crush’s friends involved seems like the relationship is being forced to start. I’d want my relationship to start because he and I want it to, not because he’s being pressured by his friends!” Chloe has a point. Even if your crush doesn’t feel the same way about you as you do about them, it’s okay. Going to your crush’s friends just makes this even more awkward if your crush truly isn’t ready for a relationship. It’s like they say, all things with time. This would be one of those things.
4. It can mean they will tell your crush about your feelings
Not to be a downer, but here’s the tea: if you get your crush’s friends involved, they are ultimately going to be on their side more than yours. Telling your crush’s friends how you feel and trying to get them involved could result in them telling your crush about your feelings in a time or way you don’t like. By involving their friends, you give them the opportunity to control your situation. Sometimes this can end well, but generally it seems like it can only be bad news, especially because it might make your crush wonder why you didn’t just go to him or her in the first place. Your confidence to go to them directly and honesty to tell them how you genuinely feel will say a lot about you to the person you’re crushing on.
We know it can be tempting to want to go to your crush’s friends to get the inside scoop on how they feel, have them connect you or just gain some advice for how to talk to your crush, but don’t do it! It will be best for you and everyone else if you just go talk to your crush about everything. No matter how the conversation goes, you’re going to be okay. It’s better to air out your feelings than to avoid telling the one person to whom these feelings will matter the most. Normally we wouldn’t consult Shrek for advice, but his better-out-than-in theory is really the best way to deal here. Just don’t psych yourself out. You got this. Now go get ‘em!