Let's be honest: Taylor Swift goes through guys like most of us go through episodes of Orange Is the New Black. That being said, we really can't complain too much, seeing as T Swift has provided the soundtrack to our makeouts, breakups and existential crises for years now. Whether you love her or hate her, you can't deny that Taylor has a way with the fellas, having dated some of the hottest guys in Hollywood. As most young romances do, these relationships failed sooner or later, and what better way to get back at the exes who wronged you than by writing super-specific songs about them that millions and millions of girls will hear?
But who exactly has Taylor Swift dated? This question is alarmingly complicated, so HC did some digging. The country-pop singer is known for sneaking hidden messages into the lyrics listed in the liner notes of her albums (she capitalizes random letters in the middle of words and the capitalized letters spell out names or phrases), and we've read between the lines to bring you seven of the most famous guys T Swift has ever written a song about. Warning: broken hearts ahead.
1. Adam Young
The song: "Enchanted"
Incriminating evidence: There were plenty of rumors that one of T Swift's most popular songs was about meeting the Owl City frontman at a party, but nothing was confirmed until Adam Young released his own slightly altered cover of "Enchanted" along with a heartfelt note returning Taylor's affections on Valentine's Day. Why these two songbirds haven't dated, we'll never know, but we'll keep our fingers crossed that this adorable duo will give romance a whirl (just think of the duets!).
2. John Mayer
The songs: "Dear John" and "The Story of Us"
Incriminating evidence: Well, the title of the song is "Dear John," so...
But actually, the subject of this emotional song would be obvious even if his name weren't in the title, with lyrics like, "All the girls that you've run dry / Have tired, lifeless eyes / 'Cause you've burned them out," presumably referring to the myriad of Hollywood hotties the infamous womanizer has been linked to, including Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Cameron Diaz and, most recently, Katy Perry. Taylor swift gets a bad rap for being dramatic, but we get the sense this one might have been spot-on (although John Mayer clearly didn't think so).
If you're still not convinced, "The Story of Us" is supposedly about Taylor Swift running into John Mayer at the 2010 Country Music Awards: "I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us / How I was losing my mind when I saw you here." It's nice to know even celebrities have awkward ex encounters, even if they are on a much larger scale.
3. Joe Jonas
The songs: "Forever and Always,""Last Kiss" and "Better Than Revenge"
Incriminating evidence: Clearly T Swift got more hung up on the Jonas Brothers singer than anyone thought, having written numerous songs about him. "Forever and Always" is supposedly about the 27-second phone call during which Joe dumped Taylor. Come on, Joe - a 27-second phone call? We'd want payback, too! On a more nostalgic note, "Last Kiss" appears to be a more vulnerable reference to the boy band member, with the secret liner message reading, "FOREVER AND ALWAYS".
Of course, we can't forget the jilted-lover anthem "Better Than Revenge" was written about Camilla Belle, the girl Joe Jonas supposedly left Taylor for. With lines like, "She's not a saint and she's not what you think / She's an actress, whoa / But she's better known for the things that she does / On the mattress, whoa," the song makes sure that Taylor's exes and their future lady loves know they had better watch out.
4. Jake Gyllenhaal
The song: "All Too Well"
Incriminating evidence: Our favorite song on the Red album, "All Too Well," conjurs up images of a crisp autumn day and a certain gorgeous actor. Though the singer's relationship with Jake Gyllenhaal was short-lived, Taylor definitely had a lot to say about her ex on this five-and-a-half minute song. The line, "And I left my scarf there, at your sister's house," clearly alludes to Maggie Gyllenhaal, with whom Taylor was snapped spending some quality time in New York. Then there's the line about "twin fire signs," and, what do you know, both Taylor and Jake share a Sagittarius astrological sign (sneaky detective work, whomever figured that one out - kudos). We have to admit, we kind of loved these two together... here's hoping they make it work one day!
5. Taylor Lautner
The song: "Back to December"
Incriminating evidence: Taylor (Swift) made this one relatively easy for us to figure out, hiding "TAY" in the album lyrics for the melancholy "Back to December." Plus, the hunky, golden god definitely fits the, "I miss your tanned skin, your sweet smile / So good to me, so right" description (at least the first part... although we're pretty sure he's an amazing boyfriend, too). We loved this couple in Valentine's Day, and we can't help but question T Swift for throwing away such a perfectly delicious
werewolf guy. Oh well, more for us!
6. Conor Kennedy
The songs: "Begin Again" and "Everything Has Changed"
Incriminating evidence: What do you get when you mix a music-industry darling with American royalty? A relationship for the ages (it didn't last quite that long, but still). While it's not confirmed, it's rumored that Taylor began seeing the Kennedy cutie eight months after breaking things off with Parachute frontman Will Anderson, making the "Begin Again" lines, "I've been spending the last eight months / Thinking all love ever does / Is break and burn and end" particularly relevant.
If that isn't quite convincing enough, the hidden message in the "Everything Has Changed" liner notes is blatantly obvious: "HYANNIS PORT." Taylor has been snapped at Conor Kennedy's famous family compound in Massachusetts multiple times, and even purchased a house next door to her then-boyfriend, which she subsequently sold after their breakup. Ah, celebrity.
7. Harry Styles
The songs: "I Knew You Were Trouble"
Incriminating evidence: I think Taylor Swift is giving herself a little too much credit here: we all knew he was trouble when he walked in. Apparently this romance ended when Harry was snapped locking lips with American model Emma Ostilly, and the heartbroken Taylor Swift wasted no time penning "I Knew You Were Trouble" about the One Direction member. The subject of the hit song was confirmed by T Swift herself when she acknowledged that her performance of the song at the 2013 BRIT awards was emotional when the guy who inspired it was standing nearby.
As we all know, the breakup of the predictably ill-fated couple wasn't exactly amicable...
For those of you who don't have the pleasure of knowing, you are looking at the now-famous gif of Taylor Swift whispering, "Shut the f**k up" to bestie Selena Gomez after One Direction won an award at the MTV Video Music Awards last year. Yeah, that happened, and it was glorious.
Take a bow, T Swift, and don't ever change.