Creating the perfect resume is never an easy task. Yes, you may have Microsoft Office proficiency and excellent communication skills, but don’t you wish there was a way you could also boast those skills you’re really proud of, like your ability to text 80 words per minute or to bake cookies with the perfect amount of softness? Here are the resumes we’d use to apply for jobs we know we’d be qualified for – if only these jobs really existed!
1. Perfect Party Playlist Creator
EXPERIENCE
Sorority house (September 2012 – December 2013)
- Put together dance music playlist to entertain approximately 300 attendees.
- Aptly fused together a pleasing mix of pop and R&B tunes.
- Inspired several partygoers to bump and grind, or otherwise bust a move.
SKILLS
Familiar with Top 40 hits, keen ear for catchy jams
REFERENCES
The attendees of Alpha Phi’s various gatherings
2. Girls’ Night Movie Selector
EXPERIENCE
Local movie theater (September 2011 – December 2013)
- Offered critique gathered from written reviews and word of mouth to help determine which new releases weren’t worth viewing.
- Asked ticket seller his opinion on the films being played.
- Helped weigh the pros and cons of choosing a romantic comedy versus an action film.
Common room (August 2011 – December 2013)
- Presented wide range of film options from own expansive DVD collection.
- Provided personal opinion on several of the films in question.
- Helped select a film that satisfied majority of movie viewers.
SKILLS
Impartial, knowledgeable about cinema, discerning taste
REFERENCES
Employees of Circle Cinema, roommates
3. Adorable Sorority Little Gift-Maker
EXPERIENCE
Sorority house (January 2013 – December 2013)
- Expertly handled glue gun without mess or third-degree burns.
- Managed to keep glitter in contained area.
- Created product that conveyed desired blend of sentimentality and wit.
SKILLS
Patience, steady hand, active Pinterest user
REFERENCES
Alpha Phi Littles
4. Starbucks Drink Orderer
EXPERIENCE
Campus Starbucks (August 2011 – December 2013)
- Well versed in ounce variance between Tall, Grande and Venti.
- Modified caloric content of drink by substituting nonfat milk for whole milk and holding on whipped cream.
- Successfully ordered Cold Butterbeer Frappuccino off “Secret Menu” by combining Crème Frappuccino base with three pumps caramel syrup, three pumps toffee nut syrup and caramel drizzle topping.
SKILLS
Sophisticated palate, ability to engage baristas in playful banter
REFERENCES
Select Starbucks employees
5. Paper Procrastinator
EXPERIENCE
Library (November 2013 – December 2013)
- Struck up conversations with everyone sitting at neighboring cubicles.
- Read all graffiti scratched into desk.
- Tweeted several complaints about size of workload.
Dorm room (November 2013 – December 2013)
- Spun around in desk chair.
- Spent two hours reorganizing closet.
- Still managed to complete 15-page paper night before due date.
SKILLS
Creative, resourceful, able to produce large volume of work in short amount of time
REFERENCES
Cubicle mates, librarian
6. Flirtatious Text Message Crafter
EXPERIENCE
Various locations (February 2013 – December 2013)
- Mastered art of sexual innuendo.
- Incorporated appropriate amount of winking emojis.
- Obtained affirmative responses from message receivers.
SKILLS
Coquettishness, way with words, sizeable contact list
REFERENCES
Guy from down the hall, guy from bio lab, guy met at party, guy met in bar…
7. Photo Instagrammer
EXPERIENCE
Around campus (July 2012 – December 2013)
- Picked subjects that would both produce appealing final product and speak to wide audience.
- Complemented photos with aesthetically pleasing filter.
- Received positive feedback through significant sum of “likes” from followers.
Dorm room (July 2012 – December 2013)
- Utilized expansive collection of childhood photos with weekly #tbts.
- Arranged artificial lights in room for optimal lighting in photographs.
- Perfected technique behind looking both cool and seductive in selfie without falling prey to “duckface.”
SKILLS
Artistic eye, significant social media following
REFERENCES
Instagram followers
8. Binge Television Watcher
EXPERIENCE
Dorm room (December 2013 – present)
- Watched upwards of six episodes in one sitting.
- Plugged laptop power cord into outlet without taking eyes off screen.
- Convinced roommate to bring sandwich in bed so as not to interrupt marathon.
SKILLS
Dedication, alertness, extensive attention span
REFERENCES
Netflix service provider, roommates
9. Hilarious Snapchat Sender
EXPERIENCE
Various locations (November 2012 – December 2013)
- Mastered technique behind creating appearance of several “chins.”
- Utilized paint tools to create elaborate works of art.
- Created witty caption to fit in allotted space.
SKILLS
Variety of comedic facial expressions, creativity, shamelessness
REFERENCES
Anyone lucky enough to be on Snapchat receiving list
