We all need a little guidance now and then, so whether you’re stressed about a fling gone wrong, a recently wrecked relationship or how to handle a stage-five clinger, Real Live College Guy Dale is here to help you navigate the college dating scene.
Why do most guys automatically think a girl is not a virgin when they meet for the first time? –Virgin at VSU
Dear VSU,
I think part of the issue is the ease of it all now. We have technology and applications dedicated to helping us find hook-ups, and we so frequently hear about casual sex and “the hook-up culture.” Because of the casual nature of flings now, I’d argue that most men jump to conclusions because sex is just so easy to come by, at least for a fair portion of people.
That said, I don’t think that a girl’s “virginal status” is the first thing that comes to mind when a guy meets her for the first time. When I meet a girl, I don’t immediately ask myself, “Man, I wonder how many dudes she’s hooked up with?” That thought will inevitably cross my mind, sure, but it’s not my first thought.
I think jumping to conclusions and thinking that every girl has already had sex by the time she meets a guy makes some men think it’ll be easier to hook up with her. “Well, if she’s already done it, she’ll totally want to bang me!” That isn’t the appropriate mind-set, and I don’t think it’s the one held by a majority of the male population, but it’s definitely a plausible explanation to your question.
For other men, I’d say that it’s just part of growing into adulthood. Sex is, at least in our society, a measure of maturity for a lot of people. I know that for guys, once we cross that line, it’s symbolic of becoming a man. Nowadays we kind of expect adults to have that experience, regardless of whether or not we know for sure if they do. It’s like an unspoken agreement, because when adults date, the odds are fairly high that the two of them have already had experience with another person. You’re an adult, I’m an adult; let’s not pretend like we haven’t already done this before.
The best thing you can do to deal with this is communicate and be honest. You don’t have to just up and read off your sexual resume, but you should tell guys what you are and are not comfortable with. Otherwise, there’s going to be a misunderstanding in the bedroom, and in my opinion, that is the worst place to have a misunderstanding.
I don’t think guys have malicious intent when they assume a girl is not a virgin; I think it just boils down to growing up. Sex is part of growing up, and we really start to grow into adulthood in college. Like I said, it’s an unspoken understanding, or so some guys think.