So, you’re dating a great guy you totally dig, but… fill in the blank: He chews with his mouth open. He’s always late. He only texts you back once a day. He never lets you take care of the check. He takes an hour to get ready. Whatever it is, it’s grating on your nerves like crazy, and you’re starting to question if it’s worth putting up with. Sound familiar? You’re not alone.
Anyone you date is going to come equipped with one annoying habit or another. The question is: how do you decide whether or not his quirk is a deal-breaker? Read on to find out how to deal with your partner’s annoying habits and when to move on.
Know the difference between a habit and a problem.
When you’re starting to feel critical of your partner or your relationship, it’s important to make sure that what you’re labeling an annoying habit isn’t actually a bigger problem. You might be tempted to brush your boyfriend’s affinity for drinking every night, his “jokingly” making fun of you in front of his friends, his flirting with other girls or him pushing you when he’s angry as “bad habits,” but Dr. Alexandra Solomon, licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, warns against this mindset.
“There are bad habits, and then there are massive red flags,” she says. “The question becomes, is [his] habit just [his] quirk, or does it have an impact on me? Public shaming, substance abuse, infidelity, violence – these aren’t habits.”
Anything in your relationship that has an impact on your safety, emotional and physical well-being or dignity is a sign of an unhealthy relationship and should be a deal-breaker, but what about the smaller things? Idiosyncrasies and behaviors that trigger feelings of annoyance or irritation can wear you down, too, so where do you draw the line? Read on to find out.
Figure out your side of the equation first.
If what’s bothering you does qualify as an annoying habit, one of the first things you can do to ease the problem is to remember that you have quirks you’re bringing to the table, too. According to Dr. Solomon, having this perspective is a great first step in curbing and dealing with critical thoughts.
“Reminding ourselves that this guy sitting across from you might be having similar thoughts about our habits is important,” she says. “You can be critical of the fact he chews with his mouth open, but you can also remember that he can be critical of the fact that you tend to run 10 minutes late. You have to leave a place for that humility.”
With this dash of humility, you might start to realize that your reaction to your guy’s bad habit is a sign of your issues, not his – and that’s not a bad thing! Before tossing a partner aside because of a bad habit, consider your reaction an opportunity to self-reflect. You might be surprised by what you discover about yourself.
Maybe you fear that his habit of being late is a sign of a deeper inconsiderateness. Or maybe his bad texting habitsmake you think that you care more about him than he does about you. Or his sloppiness triggers your own neuroticism. Or maybe something else entirely.
“Something that bugs you about someone else is very often a reflection of an unhealed part of yourself,” Dr. Solomon says. “If you see it in him and you judge it in him, it may be an invitation for you to look at the ways that you also operate.”
If it bothers you, talk it out
Even if your introspection leaves you feeling more Zen about your boyfriend’s habits, Dr. Solomon stresses the importance of having a conversation with him no matter what. Without opening lines of communication, you risk breeding inner resentment, disengagement, anger and a victim mentality.
After all, what’s the point of being with your guy if you can’t talk to him openly about your feelings?
“That’s the beauty of being in a relationship,” Dr. Solomon says. “You can put something out there, even something that feels scary, like feeling critical of a partner. I think a healthy relationship can handle that and will grow from that.”
However, keeping your silence isn’t the only way you can exacerbate the issue; on the opposite end of the spectrum is voicing every nitpicky thought you have. Open communication does not authorize you to criticize him constantly.
So how do you strike the balance between swallowing your problems and nagging your partner to death?
Dr. Solomon suggests saying something like this: “Hey, this is kind of tricky to talk about… I like how we’re building this relationship and I have a concern I want to raise. I don’t know how much of it is me needing to get over this versus me asking you to change, but I’m hoping we can put this on the table and look at it together.”
Then, as diplomatically as you can, describe the habit you find annoying – and, more importantly, your reaction to it.
“It’s important to own, ‘I have a problem, this is my problem, I’m being critical of this thing,’” Dr. Solomon says. “His answer might very well be, ‘Oh my gosh, I had no idea that I even [have that habit]; thanks for telling me.’ Then, the issue is done. If the person says something like, ‘How could you be so critical; you’re just like my mother,’ then they’re showing you another side of them, and that is good to know, too.”
After you have this conversation, you might decide that while a certain habit wasn’t a deal-breaker, your partner’s reaction definitely was. Either way, airing your grievances will tell you how to move forward.
“When I started spending more time at my boyfriend’s apartment, I became aware of so many of his annoying habits. It was crazy,” says Jennifer*, a sophomore at Emerson College. “He didn’t make his bed in the morning, his room was a mess, he ate standing in front of the fridge, he let his dishes pile up. When I talked to him about it, I found out he wasn’t about to change his entire lifestyle for me, and I had to decide which of his habits really affected me and which I could deal with. Like, his messy room made me not want to spend time in there, so that had an impact on our relationship, but him drinking out of the carton—that’s his own business. He changed some things and I got over others.”
Know your bottom line – and stick to it
However, there are some things that no amount of mature conversation can make bearable. We all have those things that will annoy us beyond repair – the pet peeves specific to us alone – and that’s okay. There’s a difference between being too picky and knowing what you can’t deal with. What’s important is sitting down with yourself and figuring out your personal distinction between what’s necessary and what’s preferable in a partner. For some, an annoying habit might be intolerable, but for others, it might just be the price of admission. But only you can know what’s in each category.
It may be unique to every person, but having that list of intolerable habits in your back pocket will help you navigate your relationships with more confidence.
Sound vague enough? Dr. Solomon admits that figuring out your bottom line about your guy’s annoying habit might very well be just a gut feeling, but luckily, there’s a good rule of thumb to help you figure it out.
“Every relationship has an energy to it,” she says. “Some things about your relationship will energize you and some things will drain you, so take the time to assess the credit-debit relationship there. How much are you getting from this relationship versus how much you are being depleted in this relationship?”
Chances are, assessing this question with your partner’s bad habit in mind will give you one of two answers: Either you’ll find that the annoyance you get from it drains you too much or that the good of your relationship outweighs the bad habit.
“At the end of the day, I know I have a great guy who makes me really happy,” Jennifer says. “I might get annoyed sometimes, but I’m not about to break up with him because he’s messy and I’m clean.”
No matter what, there’s no shame in doing what’s right for you in your relationship, whether that’s deciding that you can’t look past a bad habit and releasing your guy to someone whose imperfections are more compatible with his or opening yourself up to your partner to discuss what can be changed and what you can embrace.
“You won’t know the outcome until you face it head on,” Dr. Solomon says. “Know that you’ll both learn something by navigating it together.”