We all need a little guidance now and then, so whether you’re stressed about a fling gone wrong, a recently wrecked relationship or how to handle a stage-five clinger, Real Live College Guy Dale is here to help you navigate the college dating scene.
I've been dating this guy at another college for almost three months now. He is honestly the sweetest guy: he treats me so well, and I can tell he really likes me. The thing is, I love talking to him, but I don't have any feelings for him. He gives me every reason to like him and I know I should, but I just don't. I think I just really, really enjoy having him as a friend. How do I end it without losing him completely? –Less Than Passionate at Pitt
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Pitt, but I don’t think you’re getting out of this one unscathed.
More or less, you’ve been leading this guy on for three months. Most people start dating, they realize the chemistry isn’t there and then they break things off. It’s the traditional way of doing things, and it’s worked well for decades. It seems to me that you drove past that exit out of fear of hurting his feelings, and while that’s certainly understandable, it doesn’t make the situation any less crappy. The fact of the matter is you still led him on.
Let’s be honest, Pitt: when people break up and say, “Let’s be friends,” how often does that actually happen? Almost never, and that’s because there’s usually some kind of bitterness on one end of the spectrum. The fact that you carried the relationship on for this long knowing your feelings weren’t there definitely isn’t going to make him less bitter when you do come clean.
And you’re going to have to come clean.
I can’t guarantee that you won’t lose him as a friend. He’s going to be hurt, and he might be angry. As much as I understand your stance, I can relate more to him because I’m a guy and I know full well that if someone did this to me, I’d be pissed.
At this point, the best thing you can do is let him down easy. If he asks why you’re breaking things off, tell him that you don’t feel the same way that you used to. Feelings change over time, and that’s natural. Unless he asks you outright, however, I wouldn’t tell him that you haven’t had feelings for him since the beginning. That will almost certainly add insult to injury, and he’ll hate you all the more for it.
I would not advise saying, “I think we should be friends” because of the historic implications of that statement. It’s pretty much a cop-out and a slap to the face.
Your best bet for preserving whatever friendship survives the ordeal is to be upfront. Explain why you feel the way you do and explain that those feelings don’t change the fact that you still want him in your life. It’s possible (difficult, but possible) for people to move on from romance and settle as friends—trust me; I’ve been there. More likely than not, feelings are going to be hurt, but if you care about someone enough then you’ll be able to understand that having that person in your life as something is better than nothing.
Either way, I doubt he’s going to want to be friends with you right off the bat. Unless he’s super possessive, I’m pretty sure he’ll want some space and he probably won’t talk to you for a while. The best thing to do is give him that space and don’t push friendship on him. He has one type of feelings for you, and you have a totally different type of feelings for him — they won’t mesh well, at least not immediately following the split.