It’s all happening! ABC has released info about the men hoping to woo Bachelorette Rachel, and along with those classic blue background headshots, we’ve been treated to a slew of facts that will absolutely make you hate her men from the get-go.
1. The most romantic gift Adam ever received was a threesome
Don’t worry, guys—it was his birthday!
2. Alex’s favorite artist is The Rock
Apparently he’s never heard of Monet.
3. Anthony considers himself emotionally intelligent
Quick, someone call Taylor.
4. Blake E. hates when his date talks about her cats
I bet her cats hate when she talks about you, too.
5. The only thing Blake K. won’t do for love is eat monkey brains
Um, no one asked you to…
6. Brady “hates getting an Uber that doesn’t speak English”
But he loves “well-made, high-quality sweats.” What a winner.
7. Bryan was asked to list his three best attributes and instead listed seven
It’s hard to narrow it down to just three when you’re this amazing. Right, Bry?
8. Bryce literally admitted he wants to be a professional Instagrammer
You’ve come to the right place.
9. Dean thinks marriage is “an institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs”
But he still wants to get married.
10. DeMario craves the kind of attention Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears got when they wore matching denim outfits
Hmm, I can’t say I disagree.
11. When his one-night stand’s brother went missing, Diggy pretended to be asleep so he didn’t have to help
12. Eric likes green drinks
No one likes green drinks, Eric. Stop lying.
13. Fred sometimes gets aroused at work
And now everyone at Fred’s work is weirded out…
14. Grant has a poop story so horrifying I can’t retell it
15. Iggy hates when his date is dumb
16. Jack Stone’s name is Jack Stone
That’s bad enough. No need to add to it.
17. Jamey doesn’t have any female friends
He has a lot in common with this douche.
18. Jedidiah has these eyebrows
Aww, poor guy.
19. Jonathan’s occupation is tickle monster
I don’t even want to know what that means. Change it now.
20. Josiah’s worst date memory is being catfished by a pregnant girl
Ooh, I think you’re on the wrong show.
21. Kenny has had sex with a woman while her husband watched
22. Kyle doesn’t know what gluten is but eats gluten free when he can
23. Lee is a singer/songwriter
Haven’t we learned our lesson?
24. Lucas’s ideal mate looks like a cartoon character
He lists Belle, Cinderella, The Little Mermaid and Jessica Rabbit as his faves.
25. Matt thinks buying your SO lingerie proves you’re in love with them
When really no one wants lingerie. We want FOOD.
26. Michael thinks Denzel Washington has played “several different characters” and that’s impressive
Look at IMDb, bro.
27. Milton wants to be “discovered”
Ultimately he wants the show to earn him a writing or acting gig. (At least he admitted what everyone else here was thinking.)
28. Mohit knows his hair could use some work, yet he’s done nothing about it
29. Peter says moving to Greece to be a model was “everything”
I’m sure it was, Peter, but do you have to say it like that?
30. Rob had blonde highlights and wore diamond studs in the ‘90s/‘00s
How old are you? Also, pics or it didn’t happen.
31. Will doesn’t want to be someone’s second choice
Which means he’ll probably be Rachel’s 31st choice.
For more insane confessions, check out the cast's full bios.