My favorite part of The Bachelor: Whenever anyone talks on this show, it's to say something that's either totally nonsensical or so blindingly obvious as to not even be worth saying. Watching these people formulate thoughts is painful, but it's somehow also the whole reason we all watch. Below are 15 lines from Monday's show that had me laughing out loud, side-eyeing the TV, and most of all—Shaking. My. Damn. Head.
1. "I'm so relieved that these women are giving me a chance despite my dating past" - Nick
Nick...of COURSE they're giving you a chance. They literally filled out applications and auditioned for this chance. They came up with humiliating, soul-crushing 'pickup lines' for this chance. Don't act like you're surprised by that.
2. "Nick could wear a potato sack and he would look good."
I don't remember who said this, but I laughed at it. Because I don't think Nick would look good in a potato sack. I think he would look stupid, and you wouldn't even be able to see his abs.
3. "Nothing's more appropriate than taking wedding photos." - Nick
This also had me laughing hysterically, because that is the most UNTRUE STATEMENT EVER. It is absolutely NOT appropriate whatsoever to take wedding photos on a second date that's also with a group of like 10 women. It's bizarre and embarrassing, but of course that's what they're going for.
4. "She looks so cute in the topless outfit. She better not steal my thunder or I'll punch her in the face." - Corinne
Corinne was so upset that Brittany got to wear the Eve bikini that she was practically crying and on the verge of violence. I enjoyed this, because I hate Corinne and like to see her suffer.
5. "I'm starting to like you a lot, and it's really scary." - Taylor
Taylor said this to Nick during their wedding photo shoot, during which she played the "Princess." I loved the line because, again, they've spent about 10 minutes together so far and they're on a group date. I guess she's hedging things by saying she just "likes" him a lot, but how could her "like" have possibly reached scary levels after so little time?
6. "I was actually brave enough to have clothes, and take them off." - Corinne
This is Corinne asserting that she's braver than Brittany, because Brittany just wore the outfit that was given to her while Corinne took it upon herself to reach peak nakedness during her photoshoot. Yup, Corinne is definitely a Gryffindor after this epic display of courage.
7. "Orange and green green look great together, Danielle!"
One of the women said this to Danielle M. when she got her date card, I assume in order to sabotage Danielle's chances (jokingly) with poor fashion advice. The best part of this quote was the women's reaction to it—their fake, predatory laughter truly captured the spirit of Bachelor competition.
8. "It's very rude." - Corinne
Corinne thought it was rude when Taylor re-interrupted her to talk to Nick, after Corinne had already interrupted two women. This is hilarious for obvious reasons.
9. "I've noticed you do this thing where you get a thought and you just run with it for a while." - Taylor
"Yeah, I can do that." - Nick
I think this was Taylor observing that Nick is able to hold a conversation on the same topic for multiple sentences? And I absolutely love that this is a trait worth commenting on in Bachelor Nation.
10. "Xoxo gossip girl!" - Corinne
This quote really made me smdh because I had no idea why Corinne was saying it. Her saying this didn't follow any actual gossip, but just seemed to be filler during an extremely uncomfortable post-rose conversation with the other women (who, of course, hate her guts). She also followed it up with some weird dance moves or something? Corinne, get it together.
11. "How do you know the highways?" - Danielle M.
"I'm just making this up" - Nick
This may have been my favorite underrated moment of the whole episode. On their one-on-one date, Danielle and Nick rode in a helicopter, and Nick did a bit where he pretended to be a traffic reporter, saying there was "mild to moderate traffic" and an "accident on the eastbound 95." Danielle, of COURSE, wondered how he knew the highways so well when he had never been here before! Maybe she was just really nervous, but the idea that Danielle thought even for a second that Nick is some kind of transcontinental highway expert is amazing.
12. "It's either going to go well or it's going to be the most uncomfortable situation I've ever been in in my life." - Liz
Liz, summing up every moment of The Bachelor perfectly.
13. "This is a fun opportunity to see what you guys are like when you're a little bit fired up and feisty." - Nick
This was Nick's description of the second group date, which had the women act out breaking up with him in front of everyone else. I guess it's Nick-code for, "this is a weird and uncomfortable idea that the producers have forced upon us."
14. "I was not exactly expecting Liz to tell our entire dating story in front of the other five women." - Nick
Come on. YES YOU WERE. WE ALL WERE.
15. "Does she really want to pursue a relationship with me, or is she using our past relationship as an excuse to be on TV?" - Nick
Finally, more of Nick pretending that he doesn't know exactly how this show works. Is he REALLY confused about why Liz didn't dig up his number in the last nine months? This girl is thirsty as hell for that sweet, sweet Instagram money, and that's all there is to it.
