The premiere of Nick Viall's season of The Bachelor was both everything and nothing of what we expected. It was an episode of firsts—Rachel became the first black woman to get the first impression rose in the history of the show (I mean... finally???), Jaimi is the first openly gay woman in the series and of course, Alexis was the first dolphin to woo the bachelor.
Obviously, it wouldn't be a Bachelor night without lots of tears (from the girls) and lots of wine (from me). Here are 24 moments that necessitated a drink—get your bottle(s) ready.
1. Nick saying he wanted to "give America a happy ending," and then pointing out how awk that was.
2. When Nick ran through all his flaws and I was just like, idk but I don't think mumbling is worse than basically slut-shaming Andi Dorfman on national television but okay. Nope, not forgetting that one anytime soon.
3. Literally every time somebody made a joke about Nick's long-term relationship with The Bachelor franchise. Yeah, we've all seen it, remember?
4. Having to rewatch that scene where Kaitlyn Bristowe stops Nick from proposing and he just goes, "No?"
5. When Rachel's intro reel comes on and I realize I'll never have arms as fit as hers.
6. Josephine talking to her cat... those seals... herself... herself as Nick...
7. Raven explaining that "for fun, you go mudding, you shoot guns, you read the bible." Fun?
8. Learning that 24-year-old Corinne has a NANNY who brings her cucumbers.
9. Questioning whether Alexis owns more costumes, or real clothes.
10. When Taylor introduced herself to Nick by declaring her friends hate him (and then later telling him they think he's a piece of shit). She later said the intro was "wonderful" and I'm questioning whether she reads people well enough to be a mental health counselor.
11. Lauren pointing out that between her last name (Hussey) and Nick's last name (Viall), the two are basically a "disgusting slut."
12. When Liz came out of the limo and we literally could not tell whether Nick remembered he'd had sex with her. How do you forget?!?!?!
13. Corinne's damn tokens. TAKE A DRINK.
14. Josephine's uncooked wiener. I wish I could've given Nick a drink at that point, because he so, so needed it.
15. When Nick stumbled over the word empowerment. At least he tried?
16. The moment he and Rachel started talking and I was like, the rest of these girls need to go home already.
17. That kiss from Corinne, and Nick trying desperately to get rid of a token in exchange.
18. Nick's v uncomfortable conversation with Liz (like, is she there ~for the right reasons~?)
19. When Nick was like, "I like Canadians" and basically broke the rule of not talking about your ex on the first date.
20. Carrie Bradshaw who?
21. When dolphin/shark girl was just having a great time, and I realized that I definitely need to be friends with her.
22. Noticing that it was MORNING by the time the rose ceremony happened. I was hungover thinking about it.
23. Direct quote from Corinne in the season preview: "My heart is gold, but my vagine is platinum." I'm definitely going to start using that.
24. When Nick asked the magic eight ball whether this would all work out for him, and the answer was, "very doubtful."
It's going to be ~the most dramatic season~ ever, and I AM HERE FOR IT.
