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The 33 Stages of Your Post-Thanksgiving Food Hangover

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It’s the most wonderful time of the year: an excuse to spend time with family and stuff yourself with delicious home-cooked meals. As you gorged on your favorites, you probably underestimated the effect it was going to have on you…and your body. Here’s what happens when you take the eating too far and experience a food coma like never before (except, you know, like maybe last year…and the year before that…)

1. You’re super satisfied but also kind of sad.

Which is how you feel after literally any meal.

2. You regret not posting a photo of the feast.

Oops, you were too busy digging in.

3. You do regret uploading all those turkey preparation pictures, because that was precious time you could’ve spent eating.

Do people not realize that there is nothing aesthetically pleasing about a dead, crispy bird?

4. Now that your plates are empty, you’re wondering just what the hell you actually ate.

Where are your mashed potatoes? How did your lap get covered in macaroni salad? Why do your fingers smell like yams?

5. You’re tempted to get another serving.

The utensils are practically begging you to use them.

6. The embarrassment sets in, because you literally ate like a monster.

Maybe this is why your younger cousins keep staring at you in fear.

7. A few relatives wonder if you're okay.

I'm fine, grandma—just holding in a fart that could destroy an entire village!

8. You're too stuffed to respond…or move for that matter. 

This is what happens when you decide to have three servings of stuffing…and green beans…and buttered rolls…

9. The itis has officially arrived, and you just want to sleep for a thousand years.

And wake up to a hot stranger kissing you, even though you’re looking more like Shrek than Sleeping Beauty right about now.

10. Soon you've got a full-blown stomach ache. 

Stomach: It hurts. Mind: I TOLD YOU TO STOP. I TOLD YOU.

11. You've got people passing you dishes, encouraging you to have more.

What did you do to deserve this torture? 

12. The nausea has grown stronger.

Your tummy feels like a balloon that’s ready to pop.

13. When your stomach starts making noises, you know it's about to go DOWN.

THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

14. You try to excuse yourself calmly and gracefully from the table.

In reality, you move like someone lit a fire under your ass (which is kind of what it feels like).

15. That scene from Bridesmaids starts to play in your head as you rush to the bathroom.

REALLY FEELING THE BURN RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

16. You’re not even sure what’s going to happen when you get inside.

Will you poop? Throw up? Cry? 

17. When you finally hit the toilet, your lower body is practically screaming GAME OVER.

Now would be a good time to start praying for your immortal soul.

18. You curse yourself for not being able to put down your fork earlier…or spoon…or hands.

Cue flashbacks of grabbing helpless pieces of cornbread and shoving them into your face.

19. There are a few knocks at the door, but at this point, you’ve kind of blacked out.

Can you just be left alone to die? Is that really too much to ask for?

20. You just want to crawl in your bed and stay there forever.

Dear life: "I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative."

21. And you don't even want to imagine what you look like right now.

Brb while you donate all the clothes that won't fit you anymore to your nearest shelters.

22. Actually, you plan on avoiding mirrors for the rest of your life.

You can’t bear to see the creature staring back at you.

23. You swear that you’re never going to eat again as long as you live.

As long as you have oxygen and wine, you’re good.

24. And you try to think of any excuse that'll keep you from having to return to the dining room.

Maybe your mom will forgive you for being rude if you explain that you just crapped out your organs.

25. Of course, you suck it up and prepare yourself to face the outside world once again.

This is harder than that time you tried to run for five consecutive minutes.

26. Naturally, everyone noticed your disappearance and has to comment on it.

Your uncle is making farting sounds while your aunt is shoving Pepto Bismol into your hands. Lovely.

27. So you pour yourself a few drinks, because that's the only way you'll be able to handle anything at this point.

Which is probably 100 percent a bad idea…fortunately, bad ideas happen to be your specialty!

28. You don't feel as sick as you did before…but are still proceeding cautiously. 

Wow, good thing you're sitting right by the cranberry sauce that looks like bloody Jell-O.

29. Now that you're feeling better, you remind yourself that you're allowed to indulge today.

Even though you overeat on a regular basis, but whatever.

30. And then it happens—someone brings out the dessert. 

You cannot say no to sugar. No. Absolutely not.

31. It doesn't matter if you're hungry—your mouth automatically shifts into munch mode.

Someone brought cannolis. Have mercy.

32. Seriously, who are you to resist PIE?

Pumpkin, coconut, apple—oh my!

33. You know you’re going to regret eating this much tomorrow morning, but you just don't care anymore.

Besides, you’re just going to poop it all out anyway.


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