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23 Signs You’re the Functional Drunk of Your Friend Group


Every crew has one: the girl that manages to be the life of the party and never lose her cool…or her keys, wallet or memory. It’s truly a gift but a strange one at that. Seriously, how many beer pong tournaments must you endure before you can play (and drink) like a pro? Is it possible to look and act completely sober, even when you completely aren't? Are you blessed with the ability to get super crazy without getting super sloppy? Read on and find out.

1. You’ve been nicknamed “the tank” by more than one friend.

You might as well be in a world record book at this point.

2. You’re praised for drinking semi-responsibly at pre-games.

You alternate between taking shots and taking hot selifes.

3. Seriously, you manage your liquor really well.

People still freak that you can swallow tequila without a chaser.

4. Everyone jokes that you’re actually half-human.

Someone call the X-Men and ask if they’re looking for another mutant to join the team.

5. You can throw back any drink without throwing up afterwards.

Beer, gin, the questionable juice that tastes like bad decisions…

6. And no matter how shit-faced you get, you still manage to take good pictures.


7. You also never lose anything, no matter how crazy the night is.

The most you have to worry about is how loud the DJ will blast your favorite Beyoncé songs.

8. Your friends usually shove their stuff in your purse, as a safety precaution.

With great alcohol tolerance comes great responsibility.

9. You’re actually the protective glue that keeps the group together.

In sickness, in health and in long lines at dingy bars.

10. Sometimes you wish your drunkness was more obvious.

You never, ever look as drunk as you feel.

11. Because people are constantly accusing you of not being drunk enough.

And if you’re offered free drinks, you can’t be rude and say no!

12. You’ve mastered the art of drunk dancing/walking/talking.

Drunk you is disguised as a fun-loving human! Go figure!

13. Even while hooking up, you always keep tabs on your girls.

Making out with your eyes open is creepy AF, but that’s the sacrifice you make to keep your friends safe.

14. You also always manage to delete embarrassing Snaps before they’re up for too long.

Otherwise, the world would’ve seen you dog-filter lick the sexy bouncer.

15. And no matter what you drunk eat, you never wake up with stains on your clothes.

Meanwhile everyone else’s going-out outfits still smell like cheese fries.

16. In fact, waking up isn’t really that painful for you.

You’ve conditioned yourself to the party lifestyle.

17. At this point, you’re so used to hangovers, you’re practically immune to them.

There is nothing in this world that a breakfast sandwich and nap can’t solve.

18. Which may be because you never forget to take your water/Advil combo before falling asleep.

It's like your body is programmed to do it without you trying.

19. Your friends joke that if they started a company of party animals, you’d be the CEO.

Now that’s a career goal you wouldn’t mind working towards.

20. If your makeup from the night before still looks good, you have no problem wearing it the next day.

You spent three hours putting on false lashes—might as well make the most of those suckers.

21. You’re also told that you should write a book about your wild nights…since you actually remember them.

That would help you pay off your student loans, so why not?

22. You secretly pride yourself on having a liver of steel.

This must be what it feels like to be a superhero…a super drinker.

23. But you’re most proud of being able to add to all the fun, without taking away from it.

Keep the good times coming.

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