By Anna Knochel
When I told my boyfriend that my father verbally and psychologically abused me throughout my childhood, he looked away from my gaze and replied, “So he just yelled at you a lot?” He never took what I said seriously. After we broke up and I realized how toxic our relationship was, he told me that he never called me worthless, never hit or shoved me and never threatened me. He did not realize that his complete lack of empathy, his impulsive and hurtful mistreatment and his manipulation turned into a cycle that became emotionally abusive. Although perhaps not maliciously intentional, the absolute disregard for my wellbeing and the callous manner in which I was treated has left me deeply wounded.
I thought I would know when the time came how to avoid dating a man like my father. After all, I had experienced most intimately the wrath of someone I lived with and I did not think that any man could ever again bring someone as strong as myself to grief.
I fell in love almost instantly with my boyfriend when we first met. We were friends at first for a few years, but slowly our relationship evolved into something more passionate and intense. The most complicating factor about our relationship was that it was long distance. After more than a year of being with this man, I finally realized that he used long distance as an excuse to mask his inappropriate and cruel behavior. He kept me close when I served a purpose and he pushed me aside when it benefitted him to do so. Our relationship was a constant reminder that I was amazing, beautiful, and so very loved, but also disposable.
My ex-boyfriend lacked empathy for my feelings, kept himself emotionally distant, did not care about my wellbeing when it came to his and used manipulation to avoid accountability and to make me believe I was the one in the wrong. He toyed with my sexual vulnerabilities and did what gave him the most pleasure without any regard for my feelings. No matter the circumstances, it is cruel to have sex with your partner and tell them you love them the same day you plan to leave them. That happened to me. Unfortunately, taking advantage of me sexually did not end there, and only now have I realized how manipulative and sexually violent he was. He withheld from me the validation of our relationship, yet he said he loved me and wanted to be with nobody else. But I was not his girlfriend in his eyes. When I would confront him about his hurtful behavior, he just ignored me. Everything was always about him, and my thoughts and feelings were never taken into account. I felt as though someone had reached into me so deeply to cradle my heart only to continually shred it from my chest all throughout the year. But whenever he apologized for his behavior, I forgave him in the hope that he would change. I always knew he lacked empathy, but I never knew just how apathetic he was until we finally ended the relationship this summer.
He never loved me. If he had loved me, he would not have spent only one day deciding the future of our relationship. He would not have had sex with me the day before deciding that. If he had loved me, he would have never hesitated to call me his girlfriend or be ashamed to talk about me in front of his friends. He wouldn’t be incredibly defensive and make me feel terrible for calling him out on his hurtful behavior. He would not have taken advantage of me sexually, manipulated me or withheld money from me. This process of realization has been hard for me. I am grieving the loss of the man I thought I knew and realizing that someone I loved so deeply did not care about me. My ex-boyfriend displays symptoms of narcissism and there is absolutely nothing I could have done to pull him away from his selfish sense of self or his abusive behavior. I stayed with him because I loved this person and I had already invested so much of myself into the relationship. I think I wanted to fix in him what I couldn’t fix in my father. But I discovered that he manipulated me for so long that I just became blind to how much he disrespected me. In the end, he refused to be held accountable for his behavior or even apologize to me. I can only heal by looking back, seeing the relationship for what it was and realizing that I could have continued to waste away under his abuse.
After ending this yearlong abusive relationship, all I wanted was acknowledgment and validation from others. I became irate when I felt that people looked at my situation objectively. Who will take it seriously when I lack the visible signs of bruising and scarring in order to prove the insidious assault on my confidence and my mind? Physical abuse manifests itself in the form of purple splotches and sometimes broken bones, but the physical markers of emotional abuse are nonexistent. This can make it especially difficult for people who suffer from abuse that deviates from society’s traditional beliefs about it. Psychological, verbal and emotional abuse can slowly destroy a person for these reasons. I want to scream and cry and punch walls. I feel angry and so sad over what happened to me, but I still feel that my feelings are invalidated. What I went through has manifested itself in the form of severe anxiety, insomnia and withdrawal. Yet it has been difficult for me to come forward to my friends about how abusive my ex-boyfriend was because I am terrified that someone may think I am being dramatic or that I am being vindictive. The baggage of these less obvious forms of abuse unfortunately falls directly onto the victim. It is absolutely critical those victims receive support, and that others validate their feelings and do not blame them for what happened. Internal wounds can be just as deadly as their outer counterparts, perhaps more so, because mental and emotional trauma is invisible. And if it cannot be recognized and carefully managed, the effects can be severely damaging.
Below are all the red flags I didn’t notice until after the relationship ended. As a disclaimer, these red flags are based off of my personal experiences and not all are signs of emotional abuse. My relationship was unhealthy as result of these in combination with each other.
1. He or she claims to have a multitude of crazy ex-partners.
There is no way that one person just happens to date people that turn out to be “crazy.” This means this person is either repeatedly seeking out toxic people, they have driven their partners to the point of insanity by being a total douchebag or they are trying to misrepresent what happened in the relationship in order to avoid being held accountable.
2. He or she shifts blame back to you, or calls you vindictive.
After my boyfriend wanted a “break” in our relationship, I canceled the tickets I had bought to visit him later in the month. When we got back together two weeks afterwards, he hadn’t realized I canceled the trip and then told me I was just trying to punish him for breaking up with me. Maybe I just didn’t want to waste $400 visiting someone who broke up with me because he thought it would improve his chances of getting into a fraternity.
3. He or she perceives empathy as weakness.
This is a huge red flag, and often a symptom of narcissism. If your partner is incredibly charming, kind to you only when it suits them, cannot connect with you emotionally and lacks empathy, then I would reconsider whether you can ever truly be happy with that person. These are characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissists may be able to have healthy relationships if they are aware of their narcissism and are receiving outside help, but it is hard for a narcissist to admit they need help or to even want to change their ways.
4. He or she is not willing to define the relationship (when you want to).
My ex danced around my desire to define the relationship, yet he would tell me how much he loved me and wanted to be together. He just didn’t want to call me his long distance girlfriend. He would only call me his girlfriend when it pleased him, such as when we went to a dinner party with his professors.
5. He or she avoids confrontation about their hurtful behavior.
My ex boyfriend told me explicitly to refrain from bringing up his past wrongdoings, because those things were in the past and not worth discussing. What he really meant was he did not want to be held accountable for his callous, misguided or impulsive actions and he wanted me to be silent about them. He took away my right to be angry.
6. Not giving you a hug while you’re crying on the floor.
Really?
7. They are constantly coming up with excuses to dismiss their behavior.
In my situation, my ex tried to explain his hurtful behavior by saying he was trying to be rational. He also constantly used long distance as an excuse for how he acted. There is no excuse for continually hurting your partner.