Let’s be real, your first time was probably a MESS. You had no idea how condoms worked, all your signature moves came from porn and realizing how much bodily fluid was involved sent you gagging. Virgins, needless to say you have ~a lot~ to look forward to. Turns out, most people have similar first time sex horror stories, whether it’s parents walking in or an accidental queef that your boyfriend assumed was a fart. Since you needed some sexual relatability in your life, we’ve rounded up a few stories for you that are so cringe-worthy, you won’t be able to look away.
1. “I had to pretend I wasn’t in severe pain.”
The first time I was having sex the guy tried to like flip me over on top of him, and flung me off the bed. I had to pretend the rest of the night that I wasn’t in severe pain from my landing.
-Erica*, Penn State University Class of 2018
2. “He said he locked the door.”
I was in this guy’s room at a frat house during a social my freshman year (lol at freshman year problems), and he said he locked the door. Turns out he DIDN’T! A group of at least five older girls in my sorority walked in and I had to hide under the blanket.
-Hayley*, Florida State University Class of 2018
3. “He cried and then I cried.”
Right in the middle of my first time I stopped to get a drink and ended up kneeling right on the guy’s balls as I was getting back into bed. He cried and then I cried, and then we had to stop.
-Erin*, Boston University Class of 2017
4. “He had to get eight shots in his penis.”
During my freshman year I was giving a hand job to my boyfriend. I didn't realize it until after that he had an uncircumcised penis. The next day, his penis started turning purple because the flap was pushed down so far and he has to be sent to the hospital. He had to get eight shots in his penis.
-Cathy*, Winthrop University Class of 2017
Related: What First Time Sex is Like for Guys
5. “He adamantly swore I farted.”
I was doing it on the floor against a couch, and the thing squeaked. He adamantly swore that I farted––and probably still thinks so too.
6. “We stopped to continue watching Shrek.”
I just remember I felt very uncomfortable (I was fairly young and knew nothing about my body or sex). I started bleeding from what I think now was probably lack of lubrication, but the horrific part was my partner wanted to do it while we were watching Shrek. In the middle of it we stopped to continue watching Shrek. He later told me that the condom broke, and overall I still feel extremely awkward about the entire situation.
7. “I patted the top of it with two fingers.”
I had never seen a penis in my entire life and had no idea how to handle one. During foreplay he whipped it out and I was afraid that if I gripped it with my fist I would squeeze too hard and hurt him. Instead, I patted the top of it with two fingers (like the way you would pet a small kitten) for a few minutes until he asked me if he could show me how he liked to be touched.
8. “I sneezed his semen onto his own face.”
He pulled it out to come on my face. I was unprepared, had no idea what was happening and ended up snorting his semen up my nose. We started making out and I sneezed his semen onto his own face. Probably grosser for him than for me, but not by much.
9. “I waited there for 45 minutes until he gave me the clear.”
It was the most awkward, strange, and embarrassing moment I've ever put myself through. He didn't know where to put it, nor did he know how to keep it up. After five minutes of this fleshy mess, his mom pulls into the driveway (not knowing I'm there). We both panic like little, scrawny, bare mice running in circles until he decides to shove me in his closet. While I'm still naked. I waited in there for 45 minutes until he gave me the clear that his mom was sitting in the living room watching TV. I took the opportunity to put my clothes on, run down the stairs and keep running up the street only to sit on a park bench without any shoes until a friend could come pick me up. Also he's gay now.
10. “I always wondered why I didn’t feel his boner.”
My first college boyfriend and I were virgins and really shy about sexual things. We made out a lot but didn't venture any farther for weeks. I always wondered why I didn't feel his boner but didn't put a ton of thought into it. Finally, he said he wanted to have sex after our next date.
On the big day, when he finally dropped his trousers, he had an honest to god micropenis.
Related: The College Girl's Unofficial Guide to Sexting
11. “At least I’m not bleeding!”
My first time having sex.
Me: "At least I'm not bleeding!"
Him: Silence. "Yeah, you are."
Everywhere. Gushing blood. I bled for three days, and had to call a nurse line, only to have my mom walk in on me talking to the nurse on the phone. Seventeen was an awkward age for me.
12. “I didn’t know how blowjobs worked.”
I didn't know how blowjobs worked, so I just went off the name. I got down there, put my mouth over his dick and blew out as hard as I could.
13. “Pee. We thought it was pee.”
I apparently really enjoyed my first time, because I squirted a little stream of approval about five minutes in. At the time, we both didn't know what squirting was (pee, we thought it was pee), and were very conflicted to continue. We did, but I was mortified. Fast forward two years later and I get a Myspace message saying something among the lines of, "Hey so Cambria, you're a SQUIRTER. That wasn't PEE!!!"
14. “I’ve just confirmed his suspicions that all women store items in their vaginas.”
I had a guy stop mid-fingering and ask me if I was storing things in my vagina. When I told him, perplexed, that I didn't, he got this look of "AHA! I've caught you in a lie!" and proceeded to exclaim how he knows there is something up there, and that I've just confirmed his suspicions that all women store items in their vaginas. He appeared quite embarrassed for his lengthy tirade after I explained to him that what he probably felt was my Nuva Ring.
15. “I mean full on man-yelling for at least a solid 3 minutes.”
We had fairly decent first time sex—until he came. He grabbed the pillow and started screaming into it at the top of his lungs. I mean, full on man-yelling for at least a solid 3 minutes. I was trapped under him, confused and a little frightened. I decided to wait it out. If it was me now, I'd have thrown him off, but I was new to the game then. Anyway, he sat up and told me he was bisexual and he'd had sex before with mostly with men. The whole thing turned me off, but even still, I tried to call him a few days later and he never returned my calls.
These were not bad first time stories—they were literal horror stories! At least we can say that since the first time, we’ve learned from our weird mistakes and terrible choice in partners. That experience can remain a humorous and fond (maybe not) memory of the past, and hey, it certainly makes a great story!
*Names have been changed