It’s late on a Saturday night and you just hit the winning shot of your final game of beer pong. You look up and, as Andy Samberg so aptly put it, “lock eyes from across the room” with none other than your latest crush. You two chat for a while, he ends up walking you home, and you thank your lucky stars that the room is empty when you get there. You pull him inside, and only come back out to stick a scrunchie on the doorknob, officially sexiling your roomie for the night.
Whether you’re the perpetrator or the victim of sexiling, it’s an aspect of many collegiettes’ lives. But that doesn’t mean that there isn’t proper etiquette that goes along with it. Check out these rules and expectations of being both the sexiler and the sexilee to avoid any unnecessary tension between you and your roommate this year.
The etiquette of sexiling
The most important part of having the freedom to sexile your roommate is discussing it with her beforehand. Whether you have a boyfriend and know that it will be a somewhat frequent occurrence or you’re expecting to have a few one-night stands or a semi-frequent hook-up buddy, it’s necessary to talk about what both of your expectations are.
Make sure to discuss how often your roommate will allow this, how you’ll communicate to her that it’s happening (it can be a text, the classic aforementioned scrunchie, a winky face drawn on your white board, etc.), how late your guest can stay in the morning if it’s a sleepover, what happens if you both want the room and whatever else you two think is essential to know.
“You and your roommate should set limits,” says Sara, a collegiette at Kenyon College. “As in, like you absolutely don't want to be sexiled two nights out of one weekend.”
It may seem awkward to start this conversation, but your roommate probably wants to know your opinions on the topic as much as you want to know hers. Make sure you get it out of the way at the beginning of the year so that nothing happens that one of you really isn’t okay with before you get a chance to have the discussion.
Give notice (when possible)
Clearly this isn’t always possible, but whenever you know for sure that you’re going to be having someone over for a hook-up sesh, give your roommate some time to plan ahead. It will be much easier for her to find someplace else to hang out if she knows you want the room for a few hours before your desired alone time.
This is definitely necessary if you have a long-distance boyfriend who is going to visit you for entire weekends. Make sure your roommate knows about these visits as soon as you do so that she can find someplace to sleep. It’s unfair to expect her to not be in the room for three days with just a few hours notice.
Even if you’re hooking up with someone at a party and decide spur of the moment to bring him back to your room, text your roomie to give her a heads up.
Figure out what each other’s daily schedules are and if possible, plan accordingly. Have your boy over when you know your roommate is going to be at class or home for the weekend. Again, this will only work if you have a pre-planned guest, but it will make it so your roommate isn’t awkwardly waiting somewhere for you to be done.
Also, if you have a dorm that is more than one room, use it to your advantage.
“If you are worried about it, get the apartment-style dorm with locks on the bedrooms and the sexiled roommate can chill in the main room. That's what was nice about my freshman dorm,” says Andy Bensch from San Francisco State University.
That way, your roommate at least has someplace of her own she can hang out while she waits to get back into the bedroom.
If you’re prepared to sexile your roommate, then you definitely also have to gracefully accept being sexiled in return. This means that if you’ve ousted your roommate from the room the past two weekends and she brings home a guy, you better be ready to get out of there.
“In my case I've had the same boyfriend freshman to senior year and luckily my friends liked him and didn't mind if he was around a lot,” says Sarah. “So when they had someone they wanted privacy with, I was more than happy to return the favor.”
Being roommates means making these types of compromises to ensure that everyone stays happy and tense situations are avoided.
Last, but certainly not least, demonstrating basic human courtesy is always important. When you have someone over, keep your activities to your side of the room. Don’t go anywhere near her bed. In fact, you should probably steer clear of all of her stuff. Finally, before she comes back, clean up all the evidence. No one wants to deal with the remnants of someone else’s sexcapades, no matter how close you two are as roomies.
The etiquette of being sexiled
Have a plan
If your roommate is someone who either has a boyfriend or frequently enjoys bringing home her flings, it’s essential that you establish a reliable place that you can crash for the night. Whether it’s with one of your friends or your own boy-toy, having a back-up place to sleep is necessary in college.
There’s nothing more uncomfortable than having to sleep someplace like the study lounge. Or even worse, insisting on staying in your room and trying to fall asleep to the hook-up noises emanating from a bed that is literally only five feet away from you.
“It’s always the most awkward if you haven’t been sufficiently warned,” says Dawn from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. “I’d always prefer being told rather than laying in my bed while my roommate pretends to just be sleeping, restlessly.”
So make sure to find that extra bed, futon or at least floor space you can spend the night when your roommate is busy getting busy. If all else fails, get creative!
“Improvise,” says Nicole from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. “My roommate once moved her mattress out to the living room of our dorm when my boyfriend was in town.”
If this won’t work with the way your dorm is set up, try making a deal with a friend who is not your roomie to always let each other crash in the other’s room if one of you is sexiled.
Check in the next morning
You wake up the morning after being sexiled and want go back to your room. But wait! First, you’re going to want to check in with your roommate to make sure her guest is gone. Shoot her a text or give her a call before heading back because you accidentally walking in on some morning-after fun will be unpleasant for everyone involved.
If you text and she doesn’t reply, try giving her a little more time if you’re in no rush. But if you really have to get back into your room, feel free to go knock on the door.
Don’t be selfish
Being a good roommate means being cooperative. If your roommate is sexiling you night after night, you have a legitimate reason to be upset and you should talk to her about it. But if it’s only every once in a while, you should be reasonable. Sexiling is a typical aspect of dorm life and as long she’s not abusing her privileges, try to be easygoing about it. And of course, you’ll want her to return the favor.
However, if it ends up being a repetitive issue, try talking to your RA about it.
“My freshman year roommate sexiled me several times,” says Alexa from James Madison University. “Her boyfriend from back home decided to surprise her at school for what originally was a weekend but ended up being the entire week. At the end of the seventh day I confronted her and said he had to go or I was going to get the RA involved.”
There you have it! By following these etiquette rules for sexiling and being sexiled, you’ll be able to have a good time without starting World War III with your roomie. Get out there, have fun and be safe, collegiettes!