I Tweeted at the Guys on 'The Bachelorette' Endlessly & Here's What Happened

The question as old as time itself: How much do I need to tweet at the guys on The Bachelorette before they notice my existence and all of them fall madly in love with me?

If you’ve been keeping up with JoJo’s season, you’re bound to have a fat crush on at least one of them, but you’re probably sane enough to watch quietly from afar and, ahem, NOT Twitter spam them for an entire week. Fortunately, I live for your entertainment and decided to take up the burden of endlessly tweeting at the world’s most attractive eligible bachelors. 

Step 1: Ruthless Stalking

For the sake of conserving my time and followers, I planned to only tweet at JoJo’s final four (Chase, Robby, Jordan and Luke) and also a few of my personal favorites (Wells, James, Derek and Chad). Celebrity tweeting cannot be approached recklessly––it is an art (which still very often has no results). I took to Twitter and rabidly scrolled through each of the guys’ “Likes” section and retweets to see what they typically engage with.

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I was quickly disappointed to find that most of what they like is tweets reeking of obsessive flattery or just generic statements from hot, young women.

Plus, a few of the guys (I’m looking at you, Jordan) only respond to or favorite things posted by people they follow. My heart felt hollow towards the gods I watch on ABC every Monday night, but I endured and made a game plan. I will tweet at them like I’m basic—I will, I will!

Step 2: Aggressively Tweeting

Primetime tweeting naturally occurs during episodes of The Bachelorette, which air on Monday nights. Thumbs ready and quivering, I followed suit with the rest of America and tweeted my feels about what was currently happening on the show.

As I expected, no response was to be had. Surely they were overwhelmed by the amount of messages they were receiving. Crickets chirped and I went to bed roseless, deciding that the next day I would try asking them simple questions. I mean, questions are easy, right? All you have to do is type. back. an. answer. I SUPPLIED THE WHOLE CONTEXT FOR THEM; THEY HAD NO WORK TO DO! 

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And still nothing from any of them! I had to suppress my urge to level the guys of The Bachelorette with wildfire in true Cersei Lannister fashion. Racking my brain, I finally found my golden ticket. I had just created a quiz about Luke for Her Campus…surely all the guys would have a laugh taking a quiz to see how compatible they are with the southern hunk.

I soldiered on, sending every single one of them the quiz and willing them to notice me. 

Nothing. So I just started spouting words in a desperate last attempt. 

Finally, I resorted to this.

And after days of attempts, Robby liked the weirdest thing I tweeted. 

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Step 3: Solemn Reflection

I wouldn’t say that I’m disappointed in this experience, but I clearly still have a lot to learn about tweeting D-list "celebrities." I’m not sure if it takes the perfect timing, a magical tweet formula or being #blessed enough that they just happen to see you, but Bachelorette tweeting should not be attempted by feeble rookies or those of us who have rejection anxiety. Let’s leave it the pros, like @HerCampus and @clmgiudici, while we twiddle away our Monday nights, silently cursing about how we don’t have a Jordan Rodgers in our lives. Also, can this please be a thing?