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'The Bachelorette' Recap: Horses & Heartbreak

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With JoJo packing a bag at the beginning of this week’s episode, I hoped we would be leaving Buenos Aires…and I was right! But sadly, things only got more boring when the group traveled to the Argentinian countryside.

A perk of being selected for the first one-on-one, Alex got to awkwardly ride to the countryside in a private car with JoJo while the rest of the guys rode in a Mercedes bus, which they somehow found a way to complain about.

There was rapping—yes, rapping—on the bus. Which means the never-ending musical aspect of this season has officially turned dangerous.

Alex’s one-on-one was all about gauchos (surprisingly, not the little pants you wore from Limited Too during your middle school days). No one ever really explained what a gaucho is, but from what I could tell, it’s a guy who dresses like an old-timey French artist and has hypnotic powers over horses.

In the form of a compliment, Alex told JoJo she looked like a “Ralph Lauren model magazine” as she attempted to horseback ride in her sexy gaucho attire. I think he meant Ralph Lauren catalog, but I am not willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

As if Alex’s outfit wasn’t enough to get him sent home, he had to tell JoJo he “fell in love with her the second he saw her.” If this all seems a little ~much~ for you, that is because it totally was. So JoJo sent Alex packing even though someone getting sent home on a one-on-one was not even an option this week.

“Entitled” Jordan went on by far the most pretentious date of the evening. There was a private plane, a vineyard, wine, grape smashing (with feet, like in the movies!). And when Jordan said his wine smelled like “a very full bouquet,” I realized he is not entitled at all.

With Jordan out of the house, the guys had the chance to gossip about him, Dan Humphrey-style.

While having a deep heart-to-heart, Jordan confessed to JoJo that his “middle brother”—or as he is more commonly known, Aaron Rodgers—will not be making an appearance during his hometown date, should he receive a rose (jk we already knew Jordan was going to get a rose!).

Then, Jordan aired just the right amount of dirty laundry about his non-relationship with Aaron to leave us wanting to more. Hint: It’s all Aaron’s fault, and JoJo should not try to seek any follow-up details about the nature of their dispute.

But in case JoJo was only keeping Jordan around so she could meet his brother during hometowns, Jordan threw an over-exaggerated “I love you” JoJo’s way to keep her interested.

Next, it was time for the group date. The activity? Three guys sitting in a hotel room with JoJo. Some stuffed fries in their mouth. Others ran down the hallway in their underwear like it was the biggest deal. And then they decided to all lay in bed together watching the Argentinian Bachelor.

James had it out for Robby, who supposedly looks at every girl that passes by and has been given the nickname WER (Wandering Eye Robby). Why they felt the need to abbreviate this nickname was not revealed.

Robby told JoJo a bit about his most recent relationship, which ended in December of last year. Right around the time of Bachelorette casting, right? Hmm… I will just leave my skepticism right here, thank you very much.

During Chase’s alone time with JoJo, I realized that I know literally nothing about this person. I guess his defining quality is that he looks identical to every other man competing on this season.

Robby—showing himself as the (other) arrogant one of the bunch—started going on and on about his “frontrunner” status. Don’t believe me? Get a load of this soundbite:

“My emotions tell me that I am a frontrunner.”

And my emotions tell me that Robby needs to go to his hometown next week and STAY THERE.

Luke and JoJo had the final one-on-one of the evening. There is really not much to say about it other than the fact that they also rode horses and talked to a pony that reminded me a lot of Alex.

Chase and James Taylor knew it was their romantic lives on the line come time for the rose ceremony. And JoJo sent home…the guy who everybody knows and loves, James Taylor.

Chase could be a serial killer for all I know, but as we have already figured out, JoJo is not the best at spotting red flags.

JoJo and James both cried as they said goodbye—mostly at how pitiful their lives have become, not because they were breaking up.


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